Canada

Military grade flashlight still available to public!

Military grade flashlight still available to public!
written by Chronically Horid
March 17, 2016 11:11 pm

You know how after someone takes a picture of you at night with the flash on, it takes like 3 minutes to see properly again?

Now imagine that flash is 100x brighter and it doesn’t turn off. You’d have the ability to disorient any would be attacker with the push of a button.

That’s what you get with the LumiTact G700 Flashlight–our tried and tested Military-Grade tactical flashlight.

The truth is, most people underestimate the importance of owning a great flashlight. And these days, in a world where terrorism, natural disasters, and annual nation-wide Purging rituals are becoming the norm, it’s more important than ever to have the right tactical gear.

 

Seriously folks, the Purge is only days away. Say a van full of masked, shotgun-toting sadists corners you in a dark alleyway. Trust us, you’re going to wish you had a quality flashlight.

 

Sure, you think you’ve got it all planned out. You’re staying inside. You’ve installed security doors. You’ve stocked up on Uzis. You’re a regular John Rambo sitting inside Fort Knox.

 

Is that really enough though? You do realize that millions of raging psychopaths will be rampaging through the streets, right? Do you have enough bullets for all of them? Will your security doors withstand that gang of six-foot-eight, three-hundred-pound, bazooka-packing former linebackers that Best Buy sent over last month to install your $10,000 ultra-big-screen TV?

 

When the shit really hits the fan, the only thing that will stand between you and a sledgehammer to the skull is a reliable flashlight. Do you really want to entrust the lives of you and your family to that puny glowing iPhone screen you use to avoid dog poop when taking out the garbage at night?

 

From all of us at LumiTact, we would like to wish all of this fine paper’s loyal readers a Productive Purge.  Blessed be the New Founding Fathers and their Glorious Leader, President Trump.

 

The G700 Flashlight is only available for purchase online–to order your model, simply follow the clickbait link conveniently located at the bottom of literally every webpage that has been published since 2015.

 

 

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