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The game-changing data security tips THEY don’t want you to know about

Last week, the Gazette published a story about online data security. Like most of the Illuminati propaganda in this paper, it probably lulled you into a false sense of security.

IT’S TIME TO OPEN YOUR EYES, SHEEPLE.

Nothing is secure. Take the layout editor’s MacBook, for example. Very hackable. While I’m here, let me provide you with a few tips for protecting your data – tips that those glorified Goebbelgangers at the Gazette don’t want you to know.

Get off the grid

You know whose data was safe? The ancient Romans. They buried their stuff underground to avoid ax-wielding barbarian “hackers” nearly two thousand years ago, and we’re still only now digging up their tablets and treasure troves.

Obviously, this might not be practical for everyone – stone tablets don’t offer quite as many features as their Android equivalents.

You can still take steps to get your information off the grid. Professors may demand that you hand in typed-up papers, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that you need to write them on a computer. Take a page from the post-Snowden German government, Russian intelligence officers, and that attention-seeking hipster douchebag clacking out his magnum opus next to you at the coffee shop – use a typewriter!

The same principle applies to communicating with your friends. Instead of sending an email or text message, send a handwritten letter. Instead of using Facebook to chat with your friend in class, simply pass notes back and forth like you did in elementary school.

Warning: physical messages are not entirely immune to interception. If discussing sensitive material, be sure to use agreed upon code names to obscure the identities of the subjects of your message. (E.g.: instead of writing “Professor Ashton is a giant tool”, encrypt the communication by changing it to “Professor Ass-Stain is a giant tool.”)

Disguise your data

Sadly, we live in a wired world, and sometimes offline simply isn’t an option. For those many occasions when you need to send or store data online, there are a few cautionary steps you can take to minimize your exposure.

If you plan on storing a sensitive document in the cloud, be sure to give it a title that the government will ignore, preferably using the words “students”, “debt”, “poverty”, “unite”, and “solidarity”. (Little-known fact: the DSU’s dormant “Students Unite For Public Education” page actually contains ten year’s worth of staff banking info.)

When making online purchases, you must provide a mailing address. It’s likely that “the Man” employs complex algorithms to filter out joke profiles when collecting data.

With this in mind, you’re going to want to buy a small tract of land on the outskirts of the city and create your own private road. Halifax requires that every road have a name, and they don’t really care what you call it, so you’re going to want to make yourself the first person in history who actually does own a mailbox at 123 Fake Street.

(Also acceptable: 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, 69 Sex Street, and 100 I’MMAKINGTHISUP Lane.)

Pollute the Profile

Unfortunately, sometimes you won’t have any control over the way mega-corporations and governments store your data. Left unchecked, shadowy figures can exploit the data to produce the highly detailed profiles that they use to create black lists, targeted propaganda, and undetectable replacement clones. At this point, the best thing you can do is pollute the dataset.

Our medical records contain some of our most intimate details, and now that they are stored digitally, they are vulnerable to interception and analysis. To throw a wrench in Big Brother’s attempts at profiling you, you’re going to want to visit your doctor at least once per week complaining of new ailments that you’ve researched on WebMD. Stick mostly to psychological illnesses like narcissistic personality disorder, as they are typically harder to disprove.

The same general approach works for online vendors. If you‘re buying a few canisters of propane off Home Depot’s website, add a ton or two of fertilizer to the order. Just like that, Big Brother will surely assume that you are a simple farmer trying to set up a back-deck barbecue. Between your indecipherable medical history and your misleading purchases, the strange profile that the Feds end up with is going to leave them in absolute fits!

Tax returns are the one potential hitch, as the Government will come after you to verify suspicious information. Whenever possible, it’s better to avoid filing them altogether. One helpful tip: if you live in such desperate poverty that you earn less than the base deduction, you don’t need to fill out a return. With this in mind, you may want to switch over to an Arts and Social Sciences program if you haven’t already.

Conclusion

These few tips should give you a head start when the All-Seeing Eye turns in your direction. Remember though, you always need a back-up plan for the moment Johnny CSIS starts beating down the door.

You’re going to want to map out a hiding spot so isolated from society and so rarely frequented that no one would ever think to look for you there. The kind of place populated by a secretive, obscure class of individuals who prefer to act in the shadows, executing their nefarious schemes far from the prying eyes of a cruel public that has never shown them anything but disdain.

(Note: The DSU’s executive offices are located on the second floor of the SUB.)