By Matthew Ritchie, Assistant Arts Editor
For those of us without Deloreans (or, at least, a 1987 Toyota Camry with built in flux capacitors), it is hard to see what the future will really be like in the next 10 years. But it is easy to imagine.
The Toronto Maple Leafs will certainly not make it the playoffs. Obama will let the world down after his eight-year term. At least one of the Jon and Kate Plus Eight children will develop a drug problem.
But what does the future hold for Dalhousie in the next 10 years? When I started here in the middle of the decade, it seemed like the whole world was changing and new and exciting ways. On campus, the Grawood got moved and some building got torn down. Still, I wonder what will happen in the next 10 years of Dalhousie University.
In the year 2020!
Becoming tired of outsourcing their labour to students for $10 an hour, Tiger Patrol will purchase real live tigers to patrol the school after midnight. Although providing useless assistance in navigating students home at night, they will certainly create a means for getting rid of those two freaks handing out pamphlets outside of the sub.
In the year 2020!
Sloan will perform another concert at the Grawood. People will still not care.
In the year 2020!
Students will protest against fellow peers claiming they are from Toronto, when in fact they are from a town most have never heard of an hour away from the provinces capital. Because of this, all other cities in Ontario will simply be known as “Not Toronto.”
In the year 2020!
Girls will finally stop wearing Ugg boots tucked into sweatpants on campus.
In the year 2020!
Engineering students will quit drinking for a semester and instead focus their efforts on improving their social skills.
In the year 2020!
Science students will finally stop ridiculing students working on arts degrees once they realize they too will probably end up working in offices once they graduate.
In the year 2020!
In an attempt to create more jobs on campus, Shirreff Hall will change taco day from Tuesday to everyday of the week, creating at least 10 new positions for plumbers on campus.
In the year 2020!
The debate about whether it is pronounced “Greywood” or “Grahwood” will finally be settled – by pistols at dawn.
In the year 2020!
Someone will finally explain what leisure studies actually are the study of.
In the year 2020!
Frats will contain cool people.
In the year 2020!
Aramark will be forced off of campus when the Dawgfather expands into the student union building. His empire will crumble with the addition of a new hot dog vendor: Fredo Corleone.
In the year 2020!
Dalhousie will buy back Fenwick Tower, then re-sell it, then buy it back again, and finally, re-sell it. It will still resemble an album cover by the band White Lies.
In the year 2020!
The Dalhousie Student Union will release its second issue of Storm magazine.
See you in the future!
Disclaimer: This has been a parody of Conan O’Brien’s In the Year 2000. In case you are unaware, this is a satirical article. The point of it is to be witty, not factual. Though it deals with a true and controversial issue, the quotes are completely fabricated. Take these words as you would take any episode of the Colbert Report: with a thigh-slapping grain of salt.
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