By Niko Bell, Hayley Gray, Katie Toth, Emilia Volz, The Sex Collective
Dear Sex Collective,
“I got a problem and I can’t contain it
Use my icky sticky rhymes to help me explain it:
I wanna learn how to make your Watergates flow
I’m resigned like Spiro Agnew that I might never know
How to HJ your LB Johnson
Know less about dicks than Samantha Ronson
I’m working my hand ‘til it gets arthritis
I’ll be holdin’ ‘til I get the golden touch of Midas
“I think therefore I am” getting my Descartes on
‘Til I fully comprehend your Marcia Gay Hard-on
But the biggest, throbbing question of all’s
Seriously, what do you do with the balls?
Do I roll ‘em like dice, do I mold ‘em like clay,
Do I tickle ‘em like Elmo or throw ‘em like a partay?
Handjob Blandjob Idontunderstandjob
Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever the touch the top
How can I learn when you always make me stop?”
Sincerely—
Garfunkel & Oates Fan With Cramped Hand
Ps. I am in no way associated with Garfunkel or Oates, but recommend your readership visit http://tinyurl.com/dontunderstandjob
Dear GOFWiCH,
Emilia:
I’m not sure how to reply
and I really don’t want to lie…
Niko:
Penises differ
just one man really knows how —
Better go ask him
Although I should add:
Cocks are like tires
With care some will pop and yet—
Some cannot be pumped
Hayley:
Hand jobs are science
With hypotheses to try
Don’t get discouraged
If his flag doesn’t fly
Chill out, lie down
Keep his boxers on
Let tension build up
Without touching his john
Stroke him while
His undies stay on
Then reach your hand in
And grab his python
I’d recommend before
That last step
To lube up said hand
Take sure that it’s wet.
Emilia:
The balls are my favourite part,
But playing with them is not a hard art.
You don’t need a flowchart!
Katie:
Why
don’t you
tellhimyawannawatch
do nothing
so, lazy
success
yalikethat?yalearnin’somethin’?
yeah.
O! yeah.
(Free) Love—
The Sex Collective
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