Bathhouse etiquette: Lessons learned from a Seadogs insider

Glenn Blake, Staff Contributor

Last year money was tight, so I did what a lot of students do: I got a job. After taking away food and retail from the list of possible places to get a job, one that was left was the local bathhouse.
For those of you who may not know what a bathhouse is, it’s basically a private club for men to go and relax …or whatever.
If you already know what I’m talking about, or if you have no desire to know what I’m talking about, feel free to skip this story. If, however, you’re kind of curious or want a good laugh, read on.
The first thing that happens when you enter is you get a towel and a key to your room or locker. To ensure we get them back, we take your ID.

Tip 1: Don’t leave with the room key. The staff will want to chase you down just as much as you will want them calling your house to get it back.
Bathhouse fashion dictates that the towels must be worn in the lounge, but once you’re out back, anything goes. In the back area you can check out the different rooms. The first stop is most often the hot tub.

Tip 2: Hang out in the hot tub until you see something you like. The hot tub can be compared to your umbrella at the beach. Eventually you’ll come back and meet up with people and swap stories about what you did all day.
A sign on the mirror reads: “No sex in the tub!” Please respect that. Have you ever seen a tub that two (or more) men have defiled? I have. Don’t do it!
There’s also a sauna.
You can get your freak on in there, but don’t piss on the rocks. If watersports are your thing, take it somewhere it won’t evaporate instantaneously – maybe your place.
Plenty of customers tell me they just come to use the hot tub and sauna and to relax.
I’ve never taken a stats class, but those numbers don’t add up.

Tip 3: Don’t bullshit the staff. We know what you’re doing and we don’t care. Just leave us out of it. For that matter, if you see us out in public, don’t try to hide. We see you and it looks pathetic.
If anonymous blowjobs are your thing, there’s the glory hole downstairs. It’s dark, so you can hide from your girlfriend. If discretion isn’t your thing, throw caution to the wind and hang out in the sling. It’s hung from the ceiling with chains, so everyone downstairs can hear when something is going on. There are portholes, so people who just want to watch the goings on without participating are able to do so. Perverts.

Tip 4: A whistle means “Follow me.” If all else fails, there’s a dark room upstairs, so just hang out there and eventually something will come along. As long as you’re safe, you can’t regret what you can’t see.
When your time has run out and you’ve had your fun, it’s time to pack your stuff up and go. But there’s something important to do before you leave.

Tip 5: Tip. It’s not mandatory, but the people who work there deal with a lot of gross stuff so you can have fun. Some people make a mess when they’re doing their thing (you know who you are). If someone is cleaning up after your ass, you should show them some love, too.

At this point, you may be asking: “Why is this bathhouse only available for men?” For the answer to this I’ll direct you to Marina Adeshade’s Economics of Sex and Love class. If you really can’t wait that long, Seadogs does open exclusively to women a few times a year. The next time is Feb. 23. Play safe!