This week I was browsing Yik Yak (that weird anonymous Twitter app) when I read the following post:
“I’m a 23 year old woman and I can’t have an orgasm. Am I weird?”
Not such an appalling thing to read in and of itself. Some people are anorgasmic for a variety of reasons and as long as you’ve ruled out or addressed medical causes there’s nothing to worry about.
What was most shocking was the flood of women who followed replying that they had also never been able to have an orgasm and wanted to so badly.
I am concerned about the women of Dalhousie who yearn to orgasm. Orgasms are great for a number of reasons: they boost your mood, they can help you fall asleep and they can even help with headaches. Also, they feel really good. So today we’re going to troubleshoot this problem and see if we can find a solution.
First things first: most women cannot have an orgasm just through penetration. In fact, only about a third of women are able to do so. What that means is a toy, fingers, or a penis will probably not be enough. Don’t rule out this method though. Try stimulation of the area about an inch and a half inside of the vagina (thought to be the g spot, an extension of the clitoris, or the skeins gland, depending on who you ask).
If this just doesn’t do it for you, it’s time to try clitoral stimulation. The head of the clitoris is located near the top of your vulva and has a movable hood over it that protects it from any stimulation that might be too intense. You can use your fingers to rub over it and experiment with sensations that spread from there, as the crus of the clitoris extend down along the sides of the vulva.
If you’re working with a partner here, you can also experiment with oral stimulation (see last week’s column for a step-by-step on this). You can also try combining clitoral stimulation with vaginal stimulation to enhance the experience.
If this still isn’t doing it for you, it might be time to experiment with toys a little bit.
Some people say diamonds are a girl’s best friend, but I might argue that vibrators have taken over that role.
You can start by trying out a little bullet vibe (you can buy these at basically any drug store), or if you’re working with a partner who has a penis, you could try a vibrating cock-ring. If you want something a little more intense, try a full-sized vibrator. These come in different sizes and shapes but many cis-women find they get the most satisfaction from vibrators that stimulate both the g-spot and the clitoris.
Finally, relax. This is easier said than done of course, but if you’re worried too much about having an orgasm you won’t be able to relax enough to have one. Allow yourself to just enjoy the sensations you’re experiencing and remember that as great as they are, orgasms don’t have to be the pinnacle of every sexual experience. Sex can be sex for the sheer pleasure of it!