Editor’s note: This is a satirical article.
Read ahead to find out what your future holds in the upcoming year. The stars have determined it. Here lies your fate.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Let your competitive and passionate nature help you to bribe, steal and cheat some fun out of life (and your close acquaintances) this year. The stars aren’t aligned in your favour so you’ll have to grab what you want. It will be as easy as taking candy from a baby.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
The universe knows you hate the mundane, so this year will be the most boring one yet. Worry not. Look at it like a fun personal challenge, like quarantining with your parents.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
The planets are aligned in your favour Gemini. Your dreams of the crazy, weird and wonderful will come true this year. But be on the lookout for black cats. They’re probably bad luck, or good luck. Have fun figuring that one out.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Tears are in your future, but pay no attention to any sadness. Grab a bottle of wine and a Nicholas Sparks movie, and numb it out this year. Maybe next year you will feel again. Here’s to hoping!
Leo (July 23 – Aug. 22)
Romance issues are on the horizon. Play it safe by ghosting everyone you’re talking to and keep your distance. Dreaming of someone means you’ve been seeing too much of them. Also don’t wear the colour orange out in public. You’ll find out why.
Virgo (Aug. 23 – Sept. 22)
Your analytical side will emerge this year. Don’t spend every moment worrying and wondering if other people are talking about you. They are, but you need to focus on yourself. And stop walking underneath ladders.
Libra (Sept. 23 – Oct. 22)
Stop procrastinating on everything you do or this year will be as awful and unproductive as the last one. Seriously, get off TikTok.
Scorpio (Oct. 23 – Nov. 21)
Not everyone wants what you want this year, Scorpio. Better to just let go of your plans to move back in with your family.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22 – Dec. 21)
Point your social arrows in a different direction this year. Your friends are really starting to get fed up with you dragging them to the Roxbury Urban Dive Bar every Friday night.
Capricorn (Dec. 22 – Jan. 19)
Not everything has to be perfect this year, which is good because your life is a mess right now. Sometimes you just need to embrace things as they are.
Aquarius (Jan. 20 – Feb. 18)
This year the stars will be working against you, but that’s all right. Just keep knocking back your vices. Your lack of determination will lead somewhere eventually. Keep your ex on speed dial just in case. We all know it’s hard to let go.
Pisces (Feb. 19 – March 20)
Your artistic direction is going nowhere this year. Take it as a sign to get your head out of the clouds and find some productive hobbies (perhaps hula-hooping). You just need inspiration.