Ben’s Ten: Scariest in Sports

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Hi there! To new readers, fasten your proverbial (or literal) seatbelts. Get ready for an arbitrary list with arcane referential humour casually tossed in.

For longtime fans of the column I apologize for the delay. Pretending to be a mature journalism student takes up a lot of my spare time. But fret not. I’m back and punnier than ever.

Halloween is here, or as my fellow Tribe-members and I call it – the Purim pre-party. With that segue in mind, let’s take a look at some of the scariest athletes in sports.

Trick and/or treat everyone.

 

Honourable Mention: Older siblings

Growing up, nothing was scarier than squaring off against an older sibling in the driveway. Trust me, I was one. Insert evil laugh here.

 

  1. Andre the Giant

This fear-inducing Frenchman towered over everyone in the ring. Also, this wrestler of unusual size was a key player in one of the greatest movies of all time. Like, ever. Seriously. As you wish.

 

  1. Mean Joe Greene

Sure, he gave that kid a soda. But that was only after he made a career terrorizing quarterbacks. Shouldn’t come as a surprise, considering his first name is Mean!

 

  1. The starting lineup of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers

Hellraisers on ice, the Broad Street Bullies are a horrifying homage to the phighting  city of Philadelphia.

 

  1. Bobby Knight

Without this terrifying taskmaster, nobody would’ve thought that throwing chairs onto basketball courts was an acceptable way of getting what you want. Petulant preschoolers: take note.

 

  1. Wendel Clark

Legend has it that when Captain Crush got five minutes for fighting, his moustache would get a game misconduct. Truly the Chuck Norris of pro sports.

 

  1. Mike Tyson/Drederick Tatum

Iron Mike is so scary that I included his parodied persona from “The Simpsons” to diffuse the situation. He puts the “boo” in “boo-urns”.

 

  1. Serena Williams

The greatest female tennis player of all time has a promising career as an anger management counselor post-retirement. Judging by the comments she made to an official at the U.S. Open a few years ago, I’d just give her the point and move on.

 

  1. Jonah Lomu

As if rugby players weren’t scary enough. Lomu was famous for his brick-wall physique and ability to run through humans. Members of the English national team still have nightmares of this killer Kiwi.

 

  1. Members of the MLSE executive

Have you seen a professional sports team in Toronto recently? How these ghastly goons run T.O.’s teams defines terror.

 

  1. Football supporters

Love means never having to say you’re sorry. And apparently in Europe it also means lighting flares and fighting opposing cops and fans to prove loyalty your club. Yikes.

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Benjamin Blum

A lifelong sports fan, Benjamin Blum entered the world of journalism after suffering a concussion playing rugby for the University of King’s College. From that moment, his twin passions for writing and sports motivated the Thornhill, Ont. native to give this journalism thing a try. Having been an athlete, coach and fan for many years, Ben brings his diverse knowledge of sports along with a witty sense of humour to the sports section. Ben was Sports Editor of the Gazette for Volume 146.

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