The Sex Collective takes your questions

By Niko Bell, Hayley Gray, Katie Toth, Emilia Volz, The Sex Collective

Dear Sex Collective,

“I got a problem and I can’t contain it

Use my icky sticky rhymes to help me explain it:

I wanna learn how to make your Watergates flow

I’m resigned like Spiro Agnew that I might never know

How to HJ your LB Johnson

Know less about dicks than Samantha Ronson

I’m working my hand ‘til it gets arthritis

I’ll be holdin’ ‘til I get the golden touch of Midas

“I think therefore I am” getting my Descartes on

‘Til I fully comprehend your Marcia Gay Hard-on

But the biggest, throbbing question of all’s

Seriously, what do you do with the balls?

Do I roll ‘em like dice, do I mold ‘em like clay,

Do I tickle ‘em like Elmo or throw ‘em like a partay?

Handjob Blandjob Idontunderstandjob

Do I spit, do I squeeze, do I ever the touch the top

How can I learn when you always make me stop?”

Sincerely—

Garfunkel & Oates Fan With Cramped Hand

Ps. I am in no way associated with Garfunkel or Oates, but recommend your readership visit http://tinyurl.com/dontunderstandjob

Dear GOFWiCH,

Emilia:

I’m not sure how to reply

and I really don’t want to lie…

Niko:

Penises differ

just one man really knows how —

Better go ask him

Although I should add:

Cocks are like tires

With care some will pop and yet—

Some cannot be pumped

Hayley:

Hand jobs are science

With hypotheses to try

Don’t get discouraged

If his flag doesn’t fly

Chill out, lie down

Keep his boxers on

Let tension build up

Without touching his john

Stroke him while

His undies stay on

Then reach your hand in

And grab his python

I’d recommend before

That last step

To lube up said hand

Take sure that it’s wet.

Emilia:

The balls are my favourite part,

But playing with them is not a hard art.

You don’t need a flowchart!

Katie:

Why

don’t you

tellhimyawannawatch

do nothing

so, lazy

success

yalikethat?yalearnin’somethin’?

yeah.

O! yeah.

(Free) Love—

The Sex Collective