Easier Days for Gym Staff as People Give up on New Year’s Resolutions

Is self-improvement dead?

Staff members at gyms across Canada are breathing a sigh of relief as more and more people give up their resolutions to become better people and improve their lives.  

“It’s finally that time of year when the daily stresses of life prevent people from fulfilling their exercise goals” says GoodLife staff member Daniel Bateman. “We aren’t used to the crowds. It’s hard to keep up with cleaning and maintenance. I couldn’t sweep all day with a squat rack line to the door.” 

Another gym staff member added that “by March, I can get away with watching Netflix on my phone.” 

“I thought about going to the gym yesterday,” says one Dal student from Toronto. “But on my way there, one of my AirPods fell out and landed in a puddle. I didn’t really see the point in going after that.” 

On average, gyms see a 20-30 per cent drop in attendance in February, as people return to their old habits like sitting on the couch doing absolutely nothing. 

Sarah Burke, explains that even she, a hardworking professional in Halifax, decided to give up her resolution of daily exercise to improve her physique. “I just said screw it!” explains Burke. “After a month of daily workouts to get a better Tinder pic, I finally realized that true love is a capitalist scam and I should accept my existential loneliness. No one can have it all.” 

However, not every establishment is reeling in excitement as the public fails to commit to their goals. Private therapists often see a decline of demand of their services, hurting their bottom line. 

“Every new year, lots of people with longstanding issues, regarding family, work, and life in general make it their goal to talk about and hopefully find solutions to their problems,” says relationship therapist Janine Schrodinger.  

“But as January turns into February, people start to realize that not even a therapist who charges $250 per hour is not the one-stop solution to solve your longstanding childhood trauma, get rid of your fuck-boy torment, or prevent your nephew from becoming a furry.” 

Aside from physical and mental health, many students have tried to kick bad habits. Third year student Derek Sumter explains how he tried to cut alcohol, tobacco and Sailor Moon cosplay out of his daily routine. “I tried to cut back, really did,” says Sumter. “But when I took a look at that bottle of Jack Daniel’s, the pack of Marlboro’s, and those red thigh-highs, I just couldn’t help myself.” 

Life coach Erik Henderson provides tips to help people accept the realities of human behaviour. “Maybe New Years resolutions aren’t so motivating. Most people use it as a scapegoat to avoid making goals in their day-to-day life.” 

“Failure to commit to our goals is a part of the universal human experience,” says Henderson, “our failures teach us more than our successes.” 

Henderson suggests that his clients procrastinate making resolutions. Lie in bed until motivation subsides. “As the clock strikes 12, you remember that you are still very much the same person, no half-hearted, scrawled-five-minutes-before-dinner list is going to change that.”  

On an encouraging note, Henderson added that sometimes people should forego creating resolutions and should instead focus more time on their passions, even if it is Sailor Moon Cosplay. 

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Luke Churchill

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