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SMART ISH

I’ll give it to you straight

With Sasha Downer

 

As a New Year’s resolution, my boyfriend decided he wanted to shed the weight that he’d gained over the holidays.  For the past couple weeks he’s been following the Atkins diet, and although he’s seen some positive results, I’ve had to suffer the consequences of his “healthy” lifestyle choices. His breath smells like death and I don’t know how to tell him. I can’t bring myself to let him know, but I can’t bear the thought of kissing him again unless something is done to remedy the oral issue.
-In Hellitosis

There are several ways you could go about breaking the news to your boyfriend. Obviously, because you love him, you don’t want to hurt his feelings.  So, what you need to do is turn the whole thing into a big ol’ stinkin’ joke.

Breath is a touchy subject, so, depending on the nature of your relationship with your man, (no one can fully understand the intricacies of a relationship unless they’re one of the two parties involved), you’ll have to decide on the appropriate level of severity.

Level 1: Force-feed him carbs.  If your man is just trying to shed some holiday weight, there are better way to do it, like cutting out sweets, smoking less weed, or upping his activity level (sexercise anyone?) The Atkins diet is dangerous for two reasons:

  1. It messes with your heart. (I’m not exactly sure how it effects your heart, but I do know, that Mr. Atkins died of a heart attack after following the diet he created)
  2. By depriving your body of the carbohydrates we all so desperately need, the body reacts by emitting a foul odour via the mouth.  This is your body’s way of saying, “Where ma food at?!  I ain’t no carnivore!”

Level 2: Buy him a gift (maybe some cologne or sumthin’), and write, “Just because I love you” on the inside of a Hallmark card (maybe something cute, something that features either animals or old people).  Include in the box, some breath freshening treats, (I suggest Listerine pocket packs because they don’t just mask the problem, they kill the harmful bacteria that causes bad breath.) With any luck, he’ll use them, and maybe, he’ll even like them (they have zero calories!)

Level 3: When he goes to kiss you ask him (with a completely straight look on your face) “Baby, did something die in your mouth?”  Then, before he can react, suck it up and kiss him, and then laugh uncontrollably.

 

My longtime friend from childhood has always had a crush on me. I’ve known this because he’s told me, several times over the course of our friendship. I care a lot about our friendship and, for that reason, I’ve always let him down gently. I’ve never intentionally led him on, and have even told him that I’m crushing on his roommate.  

Anyways, I got right fucked up on the weekend and ended up hooking up with his roommate (it was a long time coming). When we woke up the next morning, we were promptly greeted with a “fuck you!” delivered in the most vicious of tones. A part of me feels guilty, but the larger part of me is, frankly, a little angry. Not only have I seen him hook up with many girls right in front of me, but I have made it crystal clear that I am not interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with him.  I’m tired of catering to his childish tendencies, but I do want to keep him as a friend. I don’t know how to talk to him, or what I should do. What should I do?

-Not Down For Drama

Know this: you are not in the wrong.  You made it very clear that you just want to be friends, and you took the initiative to clear the air.  He’s being an immature, irrational bi-atch and you need to just let it roll off your shoulders.  Wait it out girl.  If he values your friendship, he’ll come to his senses and apologize. If he doesn’t, fuck ‘em.

 

Got questions?  I’ve got answers. Email me: sasha.miyako@gmail.com

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