Have you ever dreamed of living the good life? No more scraping together rent every month. No more deciding between ramen noodles and No-Name Mac & Cheese at suppertime. A life of sprawling estates, private jets, and personal chefs who will prepare you only the finest in imported specialty Kraft Dinners.
Well guess what—I can make your dream a reality.
Sound too good to be true? Read on.
My name is Dick Florizone II, and I’d like to introduce you to the DALHOUSIE UNIVERSITY WEALTH PLAN.
The plan is simple. You send us your contact information and a $70 application fee. Our specialist admissions experts will evaluate your profile to confirm that you have the right stuff to handle both our elite program and the DISGUSTING QUANTITIES OF CASH AND INFLUENCE you will receive upon completion. If accepted, we will send you a personalized invitation to participate in our secret wealth-training program, where, over the next four years, we will transform you into a DEGREE HOLDING, MONEY MAKING MACHINE!
Now this probably sounds a little intimidating. Not everyone has the guts to MAKE MONEY LIKE A PRO. But I’m going to level with you, and fill you in on the secret that THEY don’t want you to know about: it has never been easier to get into college and earn a degree.
Do you have high-school transcripts? Any life experience? Can you copy and paste a couple of inspirational quotes from brainyquote.com and call it a personal essay? Do you have wealthy parents, or, alternatively, do you have just enough focus to sit through a student loan application? If so, welcome to the club!
Once accepted, you’ll spend the next four years living on or near our luxurious, full service campus. Why four years? Because that’s how much time those suckers in the rest of society think it takes to become an indispensable, highly educated SUPERSTAR. Don’t worry though, it’s not like you have to dedicate all of that time to studying. Many of our clients spend their entire four years in a blissful drunken haze of questionable decisions and regrettable selfies. Whether you want to put in work or not, it ultimately makes no difference–at the end, everyone graduates with the same degree, and 99% of employers will never even bother to check your marks. Every degree is worth effectively the same, no matter how incompetent you are upon graduation. Talk about a deal!
Can the system really work though? Can a simple degree program really guarantee POWER and WEALTH beyond your wildest dreams?
Why not ask university graduates Winston Churchill, Oprah Winfrey, and Supreme Leader Trump? Heck, former university attendees Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, and Kanye West couldn’t even finish the program, and even they did all right for themselves!
Don’t let this golden opportunity slip away. You’re at a crossroads in life. You can either take an entry-level job at a respectable company straight out of high school and slowly work your way up through the ranks on the basis of performance and experience, or you can spend the next four years unlocking the AWESOME MONEY-MAKING POTENTIAL OF A UNIVERSITY DEGREE. Don’t be a sucker.
For more information about the DALHOUSIE UNIVERSITY WEALTH PLAN, please visit www.dal.ca/admissions.