That three-letter word: Student health promoter Alex Schaffter

If you're going to whip it out, always wrap it up. (Photo by Joelline Girouard)

If you’re going to whip it out, always wrap it up. (Photo by Joelline Girouard)

Hi, I’m Alex Schaffter and I somehow talked my way into a guest column here, just as I talked my way into a job at Student Health Promotion, in the field of sexual health & relationships. While some of my friends have dubbed me a “sexpert,” I am in no way an expert in the field. But I do really like talking about sex and the various shapes and forms it takes.

The whole thing is a bit of a dream come true—putting together panel discussions, hosting trivia nights, handing out chocolate pussy pops and running sexy parties in residence. I don’t want to brag, but I even have access to a wooden penis and thousands of condoms. This brings me to my favourite part of the job—handing out condoms.

It’s not always pleasant, but it’s always humorous. You get puzzled looks and people asking for XL condoms. One time a man asked if I was a “professional slut.” Instead of giving him a detailed description of my job, or explaining that I was offering condoms and not blowjobs or intercourse, I simply smiled, put the condom down on the table and replied, “wouldn’t that be a sex worker?” and walked away.

I could rant about how I think everyone should take free condoms when they are offered, since they don’t come cheap. Even if you’re not having sex you probably know someone who is, and the expiry date is a long way away—so you might need it at some point. You can turn them into dental dams or blow them up into balloons. Condoms can’t solve all your sex problems, but they’re a pretty great start. For everything that condoms can’t do, we run events, like the ones we’re running for Sexual Health Awareness Week from February 10-14. Sexual Health Awareness Week—it’s a bit of a mouthful, but that’s what happens when we’re dealing with sex.

We’ll kick off the week with a kissing booth in the Student Union Building (SUB) lobby on Monday, Feb. 10. Now, I don’t want to give too much away but you might be surprised who you’re swapping spit with and yes, we may include a Hershey’s kiss because we’re just that creative.

On Tuesday, Feb. 11 we’ll have Kinky Crafts and colouring pages in the Killam atrium. Whip up some titillating toys that you can take to the bedroom and procrastinate for midterms, all at the same time!

Wednesday, Feb. 12. Hump day. You’ll find us flitting around campus handing out condoms and saying cheesy rhymes about safe sex. “Don’t be silly, wrap your willy!” or “protect your pussy! Cover your cock!” and even,  “if you’re licking a beaver, you’ll need a dam!” will be echoing though Dalhousie’s hallowed halls.

Thursday, Feb. 13, will bring a screening of the acclaimed documentary “How to Survive the Plague” presented by the Dal chapter of CANFAR (Canadian Foundation for AIDS Research). I can’t stress how incredible this film is. Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 99%, and Kayla Hoffman-Rogers, President of Dal CANFAR, called it “amazing.” There may even be a guest speaker joining us.

On Friday, South House will be holding a Self Love event.

As for Saturday and Sunday, we’ll let you spend some time with those Kinky Crafts you made or practicing self love. For more details and locations, check us out on Facebook. Happy Sexual Health Awareness Week—it’s guaranteed to be wet n’ wild!

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Alex Schaffter

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