Monday, May 27, 2024
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Dog is the new cow

Barbecues are an important summer tradition for many. But Barbecues ain’t cheap. What if there was an alternative to dropping $45 on a steak, and this alternative was free?

There is. His name is Fido. He’s probably running around your backyard at this very moment, tail wagging, tongue flopping.

Locally sourced, ethically raised and free range. From the yard to the grill: Fido.

Free range dog may not have the same tenderness with each bite. Well, no need to make the same mistake twice. Get your hands on a female dog for a constant supply. Luckily, you’ve got Fido’s lil sis. Chain her up in the front yard. You won’t need to wait more than a couple days before she’s sniffed out by a passing sire. Nature takes its course, you’ve got a litter of fresh puppies on the way, and this time you will have the chance to fatten them up.

It’s a simple process. Cage them up side by side. Feed them a diet of grain and antibiotics. It may be unnatural, but it’s a sacrifice you’ll have to make for succulent meat. No need to worry about exercise, we want them fattened up as fast as possible.

There are some things that we need to watch out for. Make sure that none of their hair, feces, or other bodily fluids falls into their food as this may cause disease. This can tend to happen when multiple dogs are confined in tiny space.

They may also develop overly aggressive tendencies. No fret, just declaw those little rascals without any anesthesia. Painful procedures legally require some form of anesthesia or pain relief, but no one really checks anyway. Plus, it’s not like you have the extra funds to spend.

These living conditions may cause some of these woofers to die prematurely at less than a quarter of their natural lifespan. Don’t let that get you down. The prematurely dead ones are still entirely edible. They probably taste better in their prime anyway.

Now you’re probably thinking: five dogs will only last me through five barbeques. Luckily, you are a resourceful forward thinker.

Mama dog is still around. She may still be emotionally scarred from when you ripped her pups away and devoured them the first time. Not to worry. Inject her with some hormones and she’ll be back in tip-top, child-bearing shape.

Rinse and repeat.

Put those barbecue savings aside, and maybe you’ll have enough to renovate the kitchen in a few years.

If this scenario sounds horrible, cruel, and inhumane to you – you may want to reconsider that barbeque altogether.

These are the types of conditions that cows endure in Canadian factory farms, and this description only scratches the surface. Millions of cows pass through the Canadian factory farm circuit every year.

Imagine the tragic tale of Fido, but on a mechanized and mass scale.

In western society, dogs aren’t simply animals. We give them names. We see their personalities. We mourn their deaths. They are our friends and family members. It would be unbearable to imagine our loving companions enduring the cruelty of factory farming.

This cruelty doesn’t become non-existent when a different species is on the chopping block.

Cows may be just as – if not more than – intelligent as your household woofer. Cows are able to solve puzzles and mazes. They’re able to differentiate between the humans that interact with them. They form social relationships.

Just as dogs do, cows feel happiness, excitement and attachment to their young. Likewise, cows feel the physical and emotional pain of overcrowded confinement, lack of exercise, forced breeding, and their eventual deaths. Cows’ suffering is just as tangible as a dogs’ suffering.

If you wouldn’t chop, grill and devour your four-legged family members, maybe you shouldn’t be devouring their cow cousins either.


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