Thursday, July 18, 2024
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The Turkey Dump

This is the time of year when students get to go home after being away for the first time and spend time with family. And break up with their significant other.

When it happens there will be sadness and tears. Anguished cries and texts of “how could they!?” will be sent to besties across the country. Parents will come into the bedroom where the ball of sadness is happening to take away your ice cream, gently chiding that in this family, grief is eaten with a bag of chips – as they provide chips, plenty of booze, and a shoulder to cry on.

Life is over. Happily ever after has not happened, and therefore, will never happen. It’s not the best of times and the worst of times. It’s just the worst of times.

Good news is: math is coming to the rescue.

The reason the dumper is dumping their significant other is because for the first time, affection, love, and lust are not restricted by geography.

Think about it, in high school people are usually friends, significant others or sex opponents simply because they go to the same school and no one can drive.

University allows people to discover that there are far more people in this world than in their podunk small town or tiny social circle in a big city. In these limited social settings people have to settle for someone who’s just kind-of close enough to their ideal mate.

On campus there’s a smorgasbord of people to choose from. For the shallow, there are people who look exactly like an idealized mate.

Naked time has never looked so good.

For the slightly less shallow, there are attractive people who have similar interests.

Foreplay has never been so fun.

For the not shallow, there are people with all sorts of minds and all kinds of thinkers.

Pillow talk has never been so smart.

University is the great equalizer. All-star high school athletes discover they aren’t good enough to make the starting line-up and high school sweethearts discover their partners back home are just kind of okay.

While the fear of being alone forever is real, the fear of being saddled to mediocrity forever is more terrifying.

Good news for those currently drunkenly eating a bag of chips is: you too, are now free to explore the big world of potential notches.


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