Walking down Spring Garden

Noise, crowds and dried out chewing gum assault the senses on the long walk down this central Halifax artery. (Bryn Karcha photo)

I hate walking down Spring Garden Road.  If Halifax had a Worst Street Contest, I would first question why this contest existed, and then I would choose Spring Garden.  Unfortunately, many students must traverse it at some point in the week. Since we don’t have teleportation yet, here are a few tips for the road.

The smell of Spring Garden is disgusting. It does not even come close to smelling like spring or a garden.  I usually recite a prayer to my nostrils before entering the street.  Are people urinating on hot garbage somewhere?  To avoid this smell, I advise covering your mouth and nose in duct tape.  Breathing is overrated and this precaution won’t even make you the weirdest person on the street. I myself have the Bane mask from The Dark Knight Rises.  It really doesn’t eliminate the smell, but the combined effect of my English accent and bulging “muscles” strikes fear into any civilian.

There is also an abundance of people asking for money. I have nothing against this action. But one time, I didn’t give money and the person yelled a curse at me.  Not a bad word, a curse, like magic.  Seriously, I am a student, I don’t have unlimited disposable income. Plus, once I finish school, I will most likely be joining you.  To avoid a like scenario, I advise duct taping your hands to your hips and your cell phone about an inch and a half away from your face.  This way, no one will be able to hand you anything, and you can avoid seeing the lady from Drag Me to Hell by the cell phone light blinding your retinas.

For some reason, people driving down Spring Garden morph into Vin Diesel.  I can’t count the number of times I have almost been hit by a neon car with racing stripes.  And they are consistently blaring bad music when this happens.  Why can’t I almost get hit by a BMW playing The Rolling Stones?  No, it’s always the souped-up Civic playing Pit Bull.  My advice: make sure to check there isn’t a car turning, especially when the “walk” sign is showing. If a car is turning, throw duct tape at them. This will almost definitely get them to stop. If it doesn’t work and they do run you down in their car, that is a very lucrative lawsuit for you.

Spring Garden is like a mine field, and with these proper tips you will avoid getting blown apart.  I can’t promise that these tips will make your stroll more pleasant, but Spring Garden can’t promise that you’ll leave alive, either.

Actually, Spring Garden can’t promise jack. Because it’s a street.