Rebecca Spence, Arts Editor
Tom Green: artist or freak? If there’s anything his world tour is teaching us, it’s that this eccentric Canadian comedian encompasses a strange mix of shrewd wit and crude buffoonery. From Green’s keen perspectives on the evolution of communication to his ever-popular catchphrase “Daddy, would you like some sausage?” Green is certainly a curious blend.
Green made a stop at the Casino Nova Scotia last week as part of the Maritimes leg of his 2010 world tour. After an elevating opening act from Halifax’s own Picnicface, a shadowy figure suddenly emerged from the back of the room. Greeted with thunderous applause from a pumped up crowd, the totally wired Green ran through the aisles and climbed onstage. After wrestling with the microphone cord and taking a few moments to catch his breath, beads of sweat were already dripping down his forehead.
“I’ve been on tour for nine months,” he announced. “Can you tell?”
Without further ado, Green launched into sharing his acceptance of getting older.
“I’m basically 40,” he said. “I’m basically fucking dead.” At certain points, the graying Green sounded like a sweet grandfather as he reflected on the good ol’ days — the days before Starbucks, Wal-mart, the Black Eyed Peas and “12 new American Idols every year.” From the beginning to the end of the 80-minute show Green kept up his high-energy rhythm, barely missing a beat.
Every anecdote had the audience roaring in laughter. Exhibit A: Green’s visit to the Kentucky Fried Chicken museum and his attempts to see Col. Sanders’ grave, despite 9/11 security restrictions. Exhibit B: Green’s reflection on his experience on The Celebrity Apprentice, in which Donald Trump screamed at Green for going out drinking with Dennis Rodman the night before a challenge and fired him in the third episode.
But it wasn’t long before the poo jokes took their toll.
It all started with an innocent joke at Ellen Degeneres. “She’s a funny lady,” he said. “I just don’t like the same music she likes.” The joke became more of a poke (poo + joke = poke) when he added, “Ellen Degeneres likes literal shit for music.” Green then proceeded to graphically map out the details and characteristics of this “literal shit,” — most of which probably should not be repeated in print.
But we can all easily forgive Green for getting carried away with his childish ways, because soon he is back on track and articulately expressing his theories on mass media communication.
“An intimate conversation is something that will never happen again,” said Green, who is already beginning to appreciate the more genuine things in life that don’t include smart phones, video cameras and Facebook. He essentially believes that 21st century technology revolution is the “conspiracy of our time” that will doom humans to be sucked into a digital vortex. There goes Grandpa Green again — totally off his rocker.
Then came the nostalgia. Green whimsically reminisced about his time spent growing up in Ottawa and the days he would skip stones on the river solo. The days when people still licked the glue on envelopes and schools still held nuclear bomb drills.
Green showed off his musical side, performing a couple of throwbacks to the early days. Among the old school tunes was “The Tiny Salmon Song” and of course, “The Bum Bum Song.”
But despite these moments of arrested development, Green was able to compose himself for an emotional narrative of his battle with testicular cancer.
“My ball hangs directly in the middle,” said the uniballer. “But I wouldn’t trade my battle with cancer for anything … except my right testicle.”
As a precaution, Green had some of his sperm frozen.
“I’m like the Walt Disney of Jizz,” he said. “My friends call me ‘Walt Jizz-ney.’”
Green expressed how thankful he is to be alive, and proudly announced he still has the ability to ejaculate.
In true East Coast style, Green ended the show with an honourable attempt at singing “Barrett’s Privateers,” which earned him an almost instantaneous standing ovation. The finale proved that a classic style of humour worked to Green’s strengths, earning him a following that won’t be able to wait for his next visit to the Maritimes.
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