Along with bringing Mother of Goo to the Dalhousie Gazette, I’ve opened up an anonymous question form for readers to submit questions. It is my honour to offer advice in response to these, as best as I can. The first question I received a few weeks ago reads:
How do you know when you and your partner are simply not compatible?
There is love, but you keep hurting each other.
Is the answer simply “look for what you’re not getting elsewhere?”
(Whether that be in a monogamous way with friendships and such, or even does that mean looking into non-monogamy to fill those holes?)
When do you repair or find solutions, and when do you let go?
Unfortunately, compatibility is not always ‘simple’—at least not after already being in a relationship with someone. Love is not enough for a relationship to survive and thrive through the test of time. This is one of the most painful realities of being a human.
If you and I were able to talk, I would ask you to clarify the ways you and your partner are hurting one another. Is it hurt that is a result of not seeing eye-to-eye, and disappointing one another? Or is the hurt a result of unacceptable behaviour? If the latter, I would encourage you to reach out to the Dalhousie Social Work Clinic to discuss your situation in more depth with a mental health professional, and access resources as needed.
There are different areas of compatibility. When it comes to things like political beliefs and values, compatibility is more clear. For example, I could not date someone who isn’t a feminist, or who is cruel to others. These are some of my relationship standards.
Standards refer to our boundaries within relationships. For example, what are my standards around kindness? Around conflict resolution? Around communication? Around honesty and trust?
Expectations are okay to have
But expectations, especially if not communicated clearly and gently to a partner ahead of time, can lead to disappointment.
It is not your partner’s job to read your mind or react exactly in line with how you wish they would. Someone disappointing you, we must remember, does not necessarily mean they’ve done something ethically wrong.
But what about the more complex areas of compatibility, like love languages, future goals or libido and desire?
Taking the time to learn more about ourselves can help us to understand what we need in relationships. For example, if you learn what love languages feel the best for you, you will be able to communicate them to your partner(s).
“Love languages” are most commonly recognized as the five coined by Gary Chapman in their 1992 book The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. These five include: words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, gift giving, and physical touch.
While I don’t believe these five are the only ways people can express love, these categories are a helpful starting point.
When it comes to sex, the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, PhD is a very helpful, accessible book to read if you’re seeking some clarity on your sexual needs and responses.
With this deeper knowledge of what we need, we can enter into gentle, loving conversations with our partner(s) and share with them. This type of open sharing is vulnerable and deeply intimate. If your partner(s) are struggling with intimacy and vulnerability, they may benefit from ongoing therapy. If they aren’t willing to ever have these types of conversations, then it’s probably time to move on.
One person cannot meet all our relationship needs broadly.
In terms of the non-monogamy portion of your question, my response is twofold. First, one person cannot meet all our relationship needs broadly. Having friends that you confide in and spend quality time with is absolutely crucial while in a romantic relationship! Second, If you are considering non-monogamy, spend time reflecting on what you’re hoping to get from it.
Opening up a relationship will not fix all compatibility issues. That being said, if, after reflection and discussion with your partner, the compatibility issues are the result of a shared need to open up the relationship, then this might be the solution.
I encourage you to read some books about non-monogamy. Venus Envy bookstore on Barrington Street is an excellent place to find these, or online from Shop Spectrum Boutique.
Relationships are a delicate balance of maintaining our standards, managing and communicating our expectations and finding compromise with our partner(s).
The more you date others, but especially the more you date yourself, the more you’ll know what you’re looking for, and who you work best with. Relationships don’t exist in a vacuum; it’s never a bad idea to seek couple’s therapy.
If you decide this relationship is not a place where you or your partner can thrive, it may be time to move on. Remember, relationships that end are not a waste. We live in a society that treats romantic relationships as the ultimate goal, and ending one as a failure. This is not the case.
Guess what? You and your partner(s) get to decide what a ‘break up’ looks like to you. You’re allowed to take space, never talk again or remain close, dear friends.
While all relationships involve compromise and conflict in some way, they shouldn’t continuously cause us to hurt. They can, believe it or not, feel pretty easy and clear overall when it’s a good fit. You and your partner deserve to feel seen, appreciated and validated by one another. You and your partner deserve to thrive.
Trust your intuition as you step bravely into this period of reflection. You can do this.
BIO:
Madeline Rae (she/her) is a sex educator and writer living in K’jpuktuk, Mi’kma’ki. Rae holds a BFA honors and a BA in Psychology from Treaty 1 (Winnipeg, Manitoba). She is completing her Clinical MSW at Dalhousie, with plans to work as a certified sex therapist. Rae is trained in client-centered sex education, pro-choice reproductive and sexual health counseling, WPATH gender-affirming care, and harm reduction. Her work investigates the therapeutic potentials of BDSM, the ritual space of performance, and the sensual reclamation of bodily autonomy. She previously published Mother of Goo through the University of Winnipeg’s Uniter Newspaper.
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