The following question was received via Mother of Goo’s anonymous questions dropbox.
“Can women experience orgasms from penetrative sex? Does insertion generally hurt the first time?”
*This question will be answered in regards to people who have vaginas. Not all women have vaginas, and some people who have vaginas are not women.*
The short answer to both of your questions is “sometimes.” Studies indicate that while people who have vaginas can experience orgasm from penetration alone, the likelihood of achieving orgasm is significantly higher if this is done in tandem with manual stimulation (fingers, hands, toys) and oral sex. People who identify as women report a higher frequency of orgasms when they ask for what they want in bed, engage in verbal foreplay with sexual partners, discuss sexual fantasies, and try new positions and types of stimulation, according to a 2018 study.
This indicates that orgasm is absolutely connected to state of mind.
My “old faithfuls” for achieving orgasm are my Hitachi Magic Wand and my brain. While setting #4 on the wand is enough to quiet the effects of the SSRIs I take daily, the best orgasms I have are when my brain is stimulated and engaged fully. Reflecting the 2018 study, my best and most frequent orgasms occur when I’m feeling seen, desired and comfortable enough to ask for what I want. If your sexual partner(s) do not seem interested in your pleasure, you deserve to find people who are. Trust me, they’re out there.
Sex is immeasurably better when everyone involved is having a delicious time—obviously.
Penetrative sex can hurt, but it doesn’t have to. Depending on what culture you live in, different levels of importance and lore are placed upon the hymen—a small, thin, stretchy piece of tissue just past the entrance to the vagina. The hymen “breaking” or bleeding is not indicative of someone’s sexual debut whatsoever.
Penetrative sex can hurt for many reasons. While the hymen is typically already stretched/torn for any number of reasons, it is possible that some of it is intact and may cause discomfort during a sexual debut involving intercourse. What is more common, however, is a lack of sexual excitement and arousal. The vagina can produce its own lubricant, but this typically requires foreplay (oral sex, fingering, sex toys, dirty talk, etc.). Using lubricant and making sure you are properly “warmed up” can help reduce the likelihood that penetrative sex will hurt.
If you find that none of these tips are helping, and penetrative sex continues to cause discomfort or pain, I encourage you to seek medical care. Pain and discomfort could be indicative of a sexually transmitted or blood-borne infection, or a diagnosis such as vaginismus.
Remember this: your pleasure is important. You deserve to feel seen, appreciated, respected, and desired by your sexual partner(s). Pleasure is possible in so many ways, and the more we learn about ourselves and what feels good for us, the more we open the door to those possibilities. If you’re struggling with pleasure, I encourage you to seek the support of a sex-positive therapist and/or sex educator. There’s nothing wrong with you, and your body is amazing.
Have fun, be safe. Mum loves you.
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