Halifax, Nova Scotia — (Chronically Horid Special Fitness Report)
“None of the keyboard cowards on Facebook will ever type the word “fat” underneath one of my photos again” said Dr. Ima Realman during his shocking revelation of his secret fat burning weapon that has helped him shed 280 lbs in the last year alone. For the past couple of months our readers have been going crazy over Dr. Realman’s revolutionary weight-loss system. As the system has been referenced on countless popular TV shows, scientifically proven to be safe for ongoing use and best of all, affordable on any budget, we decided to investigate the incredible results that thousands of excited people have been blogging about and sharing via Facebook and Twitter on a daily basis.
Waves of celebrities including Natalie Portman, Gerard Butler, James Franco, and Amal Clooney have all lost significant amounts of body fat by following one unbelievably simple insider trick that has finally been released to the rest of the world by the brilliant
Dr. Realman. The effect is clinically proven to not just shred fat off your physique but flush out all the junk and toxicity that builds up in your body.
Keep reading and you’ll find out why we created this exclusive special report for weight-loss seekers around the world.
The reason why most diets fail, in our opinion, is that they impose unrealistic restrictions on how you live your life. Some advocate eating tons of protein, while others emphasize carbohydrates. In either case, you’re left having to make rather drastic changes to the types of food you eat and when you eat it.
Dr. Realman’s plan works because it keeps things simple. We all know that the fundamental rule of weight loss is pretty simple: if you consume fewer calories that you burn, your body will start burning excess fat to make up for the energy deficit. While a graduate student at the University of Higher Excellence, Dr. Realman noticed that he was dropping weight at an absolutely absurd rate. This wasn’t the result of any conscious attempt to diet or exercise, but rather because the insane cost of his degree program left him with almost no leftover income to spend on food. With almost no food on his daily menu, Dr. Realman faced a deficit of thousands of calories per day. Within a semester, Realman had gone from cheesecake to beefcake!
Noticing that many of his impoverished classmates were experiencing the same transformation, Dr. Realman realized that he was on the verge of discovering the greatest weight-loss revolution in human history. There was no need for intense willpower, complicated meal-planning, or unpleasant exercise. Like drought and famine in Third-World countries, the crushing costs of advanced education solved the problem of human weakness by literally depriving students of the basic resources needed to become or stay fat!
There remained a problem: what to do about the vast majority of the population that did not have the grades or credentials to gain acceptance to graduate or professional degree programs? Before Dr. Realman’s diet could truly change the world, he needed a way to make it accessible to the 99%. Tutoring millions of people seemed impractical, and besides, there are only so many spots available in overpriced advanced programs. A lesser man might have given up when faced with such insurmountable obstacles, but fortunately for the rest of us, the only thing Dr. Realman ever quit was his morbid obesity.
After much contemplation, Dr. Realman hit upon the perfect solution: if the universities wouldn’t take everyone’s money, he would step up and do it himself! Dr. Realman set up a website (www.thenomoneydiet.com) through which dieters around the world could transfer him all of their worldly savings in order to perfectly simulate the amazing weight-loss potential of graduate and professional schools without any of the hassle of entrance exams, going to classes, or writing a thesis!
If you’re skeptical, you are not alone. When we first learned about this weight loss strategy, our diet-fad radar went off right away.
Nevertheless, as we began to investigate the countless success stories reported by participants from all around the globe, we decided that this weight loss trend was worthy of a closer examination. I decided to be the guinea pig for our very own hands-on test, since I’m about to receive my BA, and already have very little money after nearly four years of undergrad. I wanted to lose 14 lbs in time for my grad photos.
The results utterly blew me away. Living on a grad-student budget was even more prohibitive that I could have imagined. I lost 22 lbs in 4 weeks–no special diet, no intense exercise! I even have the wan, hollow-eyed appearance of a real graduate student struggling to survive their ninth consecutive year of higher education!
In conclusion, if you are still a little skeptical about the effects of this diet, you need to try it for yourself; from our own test, the results are real. We at the Chronically Horrid Special Fitness Report had our doubts initially, but we were quickly turned into believers. We encourage our readers to send us in their own success stories–and if you haven’t jumped on the bandwagon yet, remember, beach season is only three months away!
Would you like to share an important consumer tip for next week? If so, please send an email and a $500 e-transfer to fuckjournalism@chronicallyhorrid.com.
Recent Comments