A sternly worded letter to Dalhousie’s sidewalk socialites.
Dalhousie has a lot of foot traffic; the sidewalks are always busy and filled with people. This should be fine as long as people have good sidewalk etiquette, and to be fair, most people do.
This is directed to the people who don’t.
I know we’re in the middle of terrorist attacks, Ebola outbreaks, and beloved cultural icons morphing into monsters before our eyes. This complaint may seem to be making a big deal out of nothing. I don’t care. I’m annoyed as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.
The sidewalk is for people to walk down. If you have to stop and there are other people nearby, move to the side. Don’t take up the whole sidewalk with a friend, standing there like a couple of cud-chewing cows mooing on about how someone was TOTALLY being rude to you earlier.
(I can’t imagine you possibly deserved it).
If you ignore this advice, and I then walk by and say “excuse me”, do not look offended and sigh. Just get the fuck out of the way and gain some self-awareness.
Also, if the reason you and your accomplice are taking up the sidewalk is because you’re flirting, please, for the sake of humanity, don’t hook up. If you end up breeding, there is a good chance that your child will be a horrific combination of the both of you and will probably become the kind of inconsiderate, unintelligent monstrosity that ends up getting an “accidental” boot to the head when he decides it would be fun to crawl underneath my table at Swiss Chalet.
I’m going to extend this advice to the groups of people who break another crucial sidewalk rule: failing to move into a single file line when passing someone.
No one wants to walk around you. Break your pack mentality for a moment and show some consideration. I used to be passive and end up on the grassy, muddy, shoulder of the sidewalk when people wouldn’t make room for me. Not anymore. I’ve matured into a stubborn asshole who refuses to leave the sidewalk. I will walk through your group, no matter how tight your formation.
Have you ever played Red Rover?
You don’t want to call me over. To those guilty of the sins above, there is still time to change your ways. If you don’t … well, you can catch a glimpse of your future at any local shopping centre. Ever notice all those chatty middleaged tools who clog up the aisles at WalMart, honking at each other like a flock of geese?
They’re not hard to spot – they usually lock their overloaded, jumbo-sized carts into an impenetrable steel barricade that makes the Berlin Wall look like a toddler gate, blocking all possible routes to that pack of paper towels you popped in for.
You spend agonizing minutes ‘browsing’ the selection of dryer sheets nearby, hoping against hope that one of them might spontaneously evolve past the Neanderthal stage and realize that they should probably go subdue the shrieking, display demolishing satanic hellspawn they call children.
You hate those people, right?
That is your future if you don’t change your ways.
I know I’ve been a bit salty in this article – maybe even a bit judgmental – but I was raised right by my mother, who taught me the importance of sidewalk etiquette. I stand by what I’ve said.
That is not entirely true. I will make one apology.
I wholeheartedly apologize to all of the animals I compared to these vapid, sidewalk-hogging monsters. Cows, geese, packs of feral dogs – you all deserve better.
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