We need to stop separating our sexy selves
Hayley Gray, The Sex Collective
“Sugar and spice and everything nice,” or so the story goes. This is what we women are made of. But often, we divide these two. Are we sugar, or spice? Are you the sweet girl next door, or the bombshell? You can be one or the other, but do we really see women as both? Enter the Madonna-Whore Complex.
This Freudian term attempts to explain behaviour that is a result of men placing women into one of two roles: the Madonna—mother, pure, innocent, non-sexual—or the Whore, tainted, guilty, hyper-sexual. Freud states: “Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love.” This is the dichotomy between the woman you hook up with, and the one you want to meet your parents.
But distinguishing between “good, lovable girl” and “naughty whore” has real consequences. Take, for example, the Toronto Police Services officer who recently told women at York University that the way to not get raped was by not dressing “like a slut.”
This officer drew a line between a woman looking for sexual attention and those who don’t by how they dress.
In doing so, he perpetuated two myths: that sexual assault is an act of sex, when it is in fact an act of violence, and that women get raped because of what they wear, when in actuality women get raped because rapists rape them.
Within this (false) line of reasoning, women become victims of sexual assault because they fall into the category of ‘slut’ or ‘whore,’ and if they were more committed to their Madonna roles, they would be safer.
No one is telling men to stay away from tight tees if they don’t want to be raped. We could label men as “sluts” or “good boys” if we wanted to—however, generally, we don’t. It doesn’t often take away from a man’s status to be openly sexual. Furthermore, male sexuality is not usually hindered by becoming an intellect or a father: in fact, often these roles are considered pretty sexy.
Why do we feel like we can label a woman a slut or a Madonna and in doing so devalue her experience or right to personal security?
One way that this issue has been brought to our attention has been by Stepping Stone’s recent ad campaign. In the ads, individuals each exclaim praise for a family member. But instead of using the terms “brother, mother, daughter,” they sub in “whore, prostitute, tramp”.
In one of the ads, a smiling woman states “I’m glad my prostitute made me finish school.” These ads break down the idea that sex workers only fit on the one side of the spectrum, or that anyone belongs on one side of the spectrum.
The deeply-set irony in this belief is that we all must be both. To become a biological parent we need to have sex. Parenting a child and being pregnant is usually a direct result of sex, yet we keep dividing the one from the other, refusing to acknowledge either together—and therefore see anyone as whole.
If we want to have hot, consensual relationships with each other, we need to be able to see both the Madonna and the Whore within all of the people we have sex with.
I’m not sure what the answer to this one is. Freud would tell you to get over your mom. Most psychologists would probably recommend therapy. I’m going to recommend we as a society take a page from Stepping Stone and get over our discomfort with sex—and as a result, form a healthier view of ourselves and everybody else.
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