Don’t make your holiday dinner tense

The holiday season: a time of joy, community and lots of food.

Also, a time when we are back in our homes and around family members whom we may not be the fondest of — but we suck it up and get in the holiday spirit. Until one uncle blurts out something problematic at the dinner table, and another aunt agrees.

It sometimes feels like “keeping the peace” is actually doing more harm than good — it’s unfair to be expected not to speak up when someone says something harmful or misinformed.

But beneath the loud voices and exaggerated gestures, people just want to feel heard. 

Being raised in a Middle Eastern household, I’ve had first-hand experience of being surrounded by people with completely different views. Most of the Middle East leans conservative, with values that often clash with those in the West. 

Growing up, I was raised among family who believed one thing, and friends who believed something else entirely. Having close proximity to views that may be considered “extreme,” depending on where I was standing, helped me see the nuance in each side. 

More importantly, it humanized everyone involved. These beliefs came from people whom I loved. I may have completely disagreed with an opinion, but I learned to see the person first, and the opinion second.

When an audience is involved, the goal shifts from wanting to understand the other side to a race to get the last word, even if that last word doesn’t prove anything. Your uncle doesn’t want to feel stupid in front of his family. So if prompted, he’ll fight to win. 

There’s a time and place for productive conversation, and it’s not surrounded by family members at the dinner table. 

It’s easy to get sucked into a dogmatic ideology — especially when there’s such a yearning for community — and since ideology is so intertwined with identity, it’s hard to remember that people are more than their politics. People say “I’m conservative” or “I’m liberal,” rather than what it really is: having liberal or conservative views. 

When political discussion arises, it feels like your identity is being attacked, though it’s only your opinions being challenged.

On top of that, no one thinks they’re in the wrong. What villainizes the other side is assuming they want to hurt others with their beliefs, which is rarely the case.

When political parties become sensationalized, and echo chambers are constantly present in our pockets, it’s dangerously easy to dehumanize the other side — everything becomes “us versus them.” To counter our increasingly divided world, we need to create unity, not separation. 

And let’s be real: your problematic family member’s mind is not going to be changed in one evening. Calling them out in front of an audience will only make them double down.

Instead of inciting a widespread argument, I try to speak to a family member the next day. That way, I can listen to them without making assumptions or jumping to conclusions — understanding their opinion, sans charged statements lobbed to stoke reaction. We may not end in complete agreement, but we aren’t resentful either. 

Letting go of the need to start an argument doesn’t have to mean agreeing with what’s being said.

Maybe it simply means choosing a better moment — having a one-on-one conversation without the audience or the pressure to win. Create an environment where you can respond rather than react.

It’s a much better alternative to sending the kids to the playroom so you can engage in a full-blown stand-off at the dinner table. 

Just this once, don’t make your holiday dinner tense. Listen to understand, rather than respond, and you might actually make a difference.