Sex position horoscopes
The secret to a better bang is written in the stars
We’re back by popular demand for year two of our infamous sex position horoscopes, which are perfect for pretty much nothing, other than concerning your roommates with unfortunate noises.
We painstakingly researched astrology to recommend a position for every sign that will have you asking yourself, “Why would a person ever want to try those?” Every position is demonstrated by our models, Braeden and Noah, so we can basically guarantee they’re possible, even in a university photo studio with far too many onlookers.
Most of these positions can be modified to accommodate all gender pairings, and anal is an option with almost all of them.
Aries – March 21 to April 20: The Fireman
Aries love to enthusiastically take charge, which the Fireman position makes easy. They’ll be able to vigorously assert dominance through this intense position by unleashing their inner ram. The penetrating partner gets to literally ram into the receiving partner, embodying the animal that symbolizes their sign.
This doggy-style variation asks the receiving partner to get on their hands and knees on an elevated surface like a chair or bed, with the penetrating partner gripping their hair and buttocks while entering from behind.
Taurus – April 21 to May 21: The Folded Bull
Reliable and loyal Taurus have the stability to make the Folded Bull work. This position requires both partners to stay grounded while creating the opportunity for deep connection and deep eye contact.
The penetrating partner gets to be on the bottom, but that doesn’t mean they get to rest. Focus and balance are required as they hold the receiving partner in just the right spot, with the receiver bracing themselves on the floor, placing their legs over the penetrator’s shoulders and leaning back to maximize pleasure.
Gemini – May 22 to June 21: The London Bridge
Flexible Geminis are going to enjoy this playful challenge. They’re so curious that they’re probably already trying to figure out how to make this one work, not necessarily because they think it’ll be pleasurable, they just want to see if it’s possible.
But Geminis should rest assured, do the London Bridge right, and your cum will be flowing faster than the River Thames.
This position requires the agile penetrating partner to push up into a bridge so they can push into the receiver’s enclosure. The receiver should consider hitting the gym before, holding a low squat while doing the required pulses to maintain the motion of the ocean is a leg workout if we’ve ever seen one.
Cancer – June 22 to July 22: The Crouching Walrus
Walruses have the biggest penis bone out of all mammals, both in length and weight. A walrus’ penis is about 18 per cent as long as its body. That’s like if the average Canadian male had a 12.4-inch penis. Wowza!
But don’t worry, the Crouching Walrus position doesn’t require a monster dong; the penetrating partner on the bottom can make it work no matter the size of their penetrating object, as long as they thrust with vigour.
The receiving partner must balance in a modified tabletop position, bracing themselves on the penetrating partner’s forearms while enjoying some cheeky nipple stimulation. Nurturing and tenacious Cancer are perfect for this one because they have the ideal balance of a “make it happen” attitude and the patience required to see this deceptively tricky pose through.
Leo – July 23 to August 22: The Hang Ten
Dramatic and creative Leos will love this feat of strength, whether they’re the penetrator or the receiver. Vivacious thrusting is a MUST from both parties, and that flesh-on-flesh slapping has the opportunity to ring out for all to hear if you go at it hard enough — a game-changer for attention-seeking Leos.
The receiving partner starts by bracing themselves on the penetrating partner’s neck, before hopping on top to straddle the penetrating object. You can even do this one against a wall for extra support, or just because you’re looking for an excuse to make the whole house shake.
Virgo – August 23 to September 22: The Canadian Bacon
Perfectionist, and let’s be real, often uptight Virgos deserve to unwind and be serviced once in a while. Enter: the Canadian Bacon. From where the pleasuring partner is sitting — or rather, hovering — they’ll have an all-access pass to put their tongue wherever both partners shall please.
Use that tongue right, and the receiving partner will be dripping with homemade bacon grease. But don’t forget to flip that bacon to give both partners a turn. Virgos know better than any sign that reciprocity is the way to ensure satisfaction.
Libra – September 23 to October 22: The Follow Through
Libras, make sure to stretch before this one. The wide leg spreading and wild thrusting demanded from both partners is bound to cause a few hurt hammys if proper precautions aren’t taken. But no matter what you do, don’t sit this one out. The magical partnership created by two people coming together to cum together makes this position perfect for cooperative Libras, who value harmony above all else.
But if you’re bedding a Libra, just make sure you both finish. Their distaste for injustice will sully the evening if only one person ends up riding the train to cum station, which they believe should be everyone’s final destination.
Scorpio – October 23 to November 21: The Ride and Ram
Intense and fearless Scorpios are always ready for whatever sex throws at them. Rawr. With the maximal skin-to-skin contact of spooning but the thrust power of doggy, the raunchy Ride and the Ram is right for any roaring romp. A guaranteed good time for ravishing romantics and red-hot roughriders.
Start by getting into doggy, but when it’s time to get rammin’, both partners must wrap their arms around eachother to ride that rhythm! Always full of mystery, Scorpios will find this position perfect for whispering secrets in their lovers’ ears. “Are you thinking of the Dal Tiger right now too?”
This position is great, because you get to choose who’s the ram and who’s the rider. Is the penetrator “ram”-ing into their partner, or the receiver the one ramming that ass back? You can find out by trying it for yourself, dear reader.
Sagittarius – November 23 to December 21: The Spiked Pickle
Q: What has three legs and smells like bacteria? A: The Spiked Pickle! This position goes out to our Sagittarians, whose adaptability and adventurous spirit make them perfect candidates for a position that’s half-sex and half-balancing exercise.
To achieve the perfect spearing, both partners should begin standing, with the receiver using a sturdy object (like a chair) for support. As the “pickle” is “spiked,” the receiver lifts one leg and wraps it around their partner. Sagittarius’s boisterous energy matches the playful exchange of power that’s possible in this position — the penetrating partner thrusts while the receiver can direct the rhythm and speed. Though initially challenging, with some practice, you’ll be a pro before you can say “brine!”
Capricorn – December 22 to January 20: The Spider Monkey
[Slightly] easier than it looks, the Spider Monkey is all about the push and pull. That makes it perfect for Capricorns, who make heads spin with their organization and ambition. If anyone can pull this off, it’s them.
Your partner won’t care if you have a third nipple, because neither of you can see each other’s chests with this one. The receiving partner gets a great view of the penetrator’s clinching sphincter, so if the penetrator has a flat ass, they should sit this one out.
The Spider Monkey also doubles as a fantastic ab workout for the receiver. No need to hit the gym this week, you saucy salmon.
Aquarius – January 20 to February 18: The Left Lane Ambition
The energetic Aquarius will adore this doggy variation, which amateur experts say is perfect for anniversaries, inducing labour, and those with a curved penetrating object. This twist on a reliable classic will give an innovative Aquarius everything they desire, as long as what they desire is the orgasm of their life and a good old trip to pound town.
Amateur tip: to maximize comfort for the receiver on their hands and knees, try this one on a bed — it’s softer. Always the deep thinker, this intelligent sign knows it’s not the most complex position that counts; it’s the one that gets you where you need to go.
Pisces – February 19 to March 20: The Barberry
Famously deep feeling, Pisces will appreciate how deep inside the receiving partner the penetrator will be able to feel. If you’ve ever wanted to touch your own feet during sex, this one’s for you. And we know you’ve wanted that Pisces, because you’re famously ruled by the feet. True story.
This mystical and empathetic sign really enjoys having someone push down on their ass, and we want to help make that happen. Just find a penetrating partner who’s jonesing to grab some cheek while they enter from behind. As long as the receiving partner can grab their toes, it’s open season on orgasms. Climax city? Population Pisces.
