How are all these people getting together … When they won’t even say they are?
Commitment-phobes have found their training wheels: the exclusive stage
Whenever I talk to my parents about modern dating, there’s always one part that particularly perplexes them.
It’s not Snapchat or ghosting, and it’s not the concept of the “Will you be my girlfriend?” question, which was largely assumed in their dating days.
What surprises them is the exclusive stage. The phase when you’ve agreed not to see anyone else but aren’t “official.”
Not only have I never been in a relationship, but I’ve never even been in this “exclusive” stage either.
When my friends become exclusive with someone, my first reaction is always to wonder why they don’t just commit to a relationship. Are they unsure of the person? Grasping at a last semblance of pure independence? Or, is it just expected in our commitment-phobic dating world?
How are all these people getting together when they can’t even say what they are?
While I haven’t been in a relationship, I’ve had countless talks with people I’ve dated surrounding the prospect. Their excuses usually centre on not having the time to commit, not wanting to commit before leaving the city, or general “commitment issues.”
It’s made me see exclusivity as a big deal.
In an essay for British Vogue, Juno Kelly argues that exclusivity has become a new stage in a relationship. She also notes that dating shows like Love Island use the same theatrics for contestants to propose exclusivity that are usually saved for actual marriage proposals.
Decades ago, being exclusive took less. It happened after maybe a few dates and with little to no theatrics or even “talks.” It was just assumed.
In comparison, our generation relishes in played-out extravagance. I’ve witnessed friends remain in this “exclusive” stage anywhere from a month to a whole summer.
The ones confident that the situation will eventually turn out in their favour always seem to love this stage. It’s tinged with more drama than an official relationship. People aren’t technically locked in, but they know what’s coming. They and the person they’re seeing are still working towards that final “Will you be my…” question. After all, from then on out, relationships are just boring labels and stability.
As an outsider, I’ve always resented how much exclusivity is taken for granted. When I find someone I want to be with, and who wants to be with me, I won’t be quick to deny it. After a dating past filled with ups and downs, stability and overall emotional security don’t sound too bad.
But there are other reasons people want exclusivity before technically getting into a relationship.
Some, especially those with commitment issues, view the “exclusive” stage as a trial period. They get to see what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone. To see how much they enjoy devoting their attention to one person without actually fully devoting themselves.
The only thing is, the exclusive stage doesn’t come with a set seven-day trial period. It can be prolonged for months, often leading to the other person’s feelings getting hurt.
Whoever doesn’t fully want to commit also gets the chance to use the classic justification: “It’s not like we were in a relationship.”
To those people who feel they need to “test” things out — grow up.
If you both like each other, and no other undeniable factors are getting in your way, then just be together. With all the twisted labels in modern dating (looking at you, “situationship”), saying you’re “exclusive-but-not-official” just adds another level of unnecessary confusion.
Being exclusive isn’t the same as being engaged. If you enter a relationship and, within a few months, it turns out you aren’t feeling it as much as you thought, you’re not stuck forever. You can just break up.
At least then, the one who wants to break up can say they gave the relationship a full shot, and the one who gets broken up with can find comfort in knowing it was real. Even if it was just real for a little bit.
When it boils down to the basics, isn’t being in a relationship and being exclusive the same thing? Just with an extra touch of denial.
Embrace the happiness that comes with liking someone enough to commit to them.
And as Wendy Williams once said, “Denial is a river in Egypt…” — OK, wait, maybe the full quote doesn’t work here.
How about the classic Alfred Tennyson quote: “’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” I’d argue that even applies if the love — or just strong feelings — only lasts for a month.
In the end, you’ll either find the one or be more experienced next time around.
So dive headfirst. Get out there and be official.
