The good in gossip

From middle school hallways to university dorm rooms, gossip has long been dismissed as petty “girl talk.” But in reality, it plays a crucial role in building trust among women, making them comfortable enough to share experiences that can help keep each other safe.

A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with some girls about a guy whom several of them had creepy experiences with, warning each other to stay away and telling others to do the same. 

This isn’t the first time I’ve had this kind of conversation, and I doubt it’ll be the last. These aren’t baseless judgments or rumours — they’re warnings to protect other women from harm.

The harm these conversations can prevent is useful in many situations. Once, I almost went to a hair salon that permanently damaged three of my friends’ hair. The only reason I didn’t was that I casually brought it up in conversation, and my friend shared her negative experience with me. 

If it wasn’t for that, I surely would’ve had my hair fried off and still paid $200. We make decisions based on the experiences of others every day. Would you go to a restaurant where your friend got food poisoning, or try to take a class if you know the professor is tough?

Someone feeling comfortable enough to share their experiences and opinions with you builds trust and friendship. How many times have you bonded with a person over someone or something you both know? Almost everyone’s had a conversation that starts with a small piece of gossip and spirals into something more meaningful. 

Just a few weeks ago, I made a friend because I found out she went to the high school neighbouring mine, and we talked — and gossiped — for hours about people we both knew. Gossip turns that kind of coincidence into a moment of connection.

The connection that gossiping provides builds strong communities and opens doors for women to be honest with each other. It’s more than simply re-hashing drama from other people’s lives, though that can be fun too; it’s recognizing and providing space for women to share their stories.

To discourage it is to discourage those spaces of open discourse, spaces that can be essential for keeping women safe.

Because the same culture that dismisses gossip reflects a broader pattern of discrediting women’s voices.

Think back to the response to the #MeToo movement in 2017, or how high-profile survivors like Anita Hill, Rose McGowan or Amber Heard have been dragged and discredited for speaking out about their experiences with abuse. 

In his 1993 book titled The Real Anita Hill, David Brock called Hill “a little bit nutty and a little bit slutty” in response to her accusations against Clarence Thomas, a U.S. Supreme Court justice, for workplace sexual harassment. 

This gross remark is indicative of a larger problem that still persists. It’s part of an ongoing culture of either blaming or discrediting survivors who need compassion and support, rather than dismissal or judgment. 

Urging women to stay silent about abuse allows the cycle to continue. It also enables abusers to continue doing what they do and get away with it. It may feel like gossip is not the same as women going public with their experiences, but they’re the same type of discussion about personal experience, and a similar stigma silences both.

When women have historically been largely stripped of institutional power, all we have are our words. Sharing information is crucial to the well-being and community of women across the world and shouldn’t be used to shame them. 

The cultural shift away from demonizing gossip — especially when it involves blaming, ignoring or bullying victims — is pivotal to making a comfortable world for women. It creates stronger, better-informed communities. 

So send that text, host that girls’ night, debrief with your friends with first and last names flying around the restaurant. You may be doing more good than you realize.