By Hayley Gray, The Sex Collective
Maybe you have a loving partner where each of you give each other equal sexual pleasure timed in 20 minute increments, like those radial lesbian feminists of the 1980s. If so, good for you—move on to the rest of the Opinions section!
For the rest of us, let’s talk about power dynamics.
Behaviouralist psychologists have been so bold as to presume that they have discovered the underlying reinforcers of all behaviours. B.F. Skinner says that we do things for five reasons: affection, approval, attention, submission of others, and what he describes as a ‘token’ (this could be money, but it could also be any sort of tangible thing that we really want).
Let’s apply these reinforcers to sex dynamics. When you’re wanted by someone sexually, for example, this often plays out in them giving you attention, affection and approval. These reinforcers boost your ego. Suddenly, you’re instilled with the power to pursue or shut down admirers—respectfully, of course.
When we choose to pursue someone, often we engage in quick power shifts, battles displaying our humour and rapier wit to the object of our affections. This back-and-forth romantic frenzy of emotion and confusion is called “flirting.” Wanted sexual attraction is exhilarating: wanton stares, awkward conversations, stuttering. It’s the best, it’s the worst: it’s Dickens.
You see, you’re already engaged in power play. Power games aren’t always indicative of the hardcore BDSM lifestyles that spring to mind in the 21st century. Not all relationships will develop constant roles of submission and dominance. You don’t need to choose between the collar or the whip. Power, just like sexuality and gender, is fluid. And with this fluidity, there is playfulness.
Before you start to up the power-play ante, make sure that you have everything you need to make it an enjoyable adventure–and I don’t mean whips, ropes and handcuffs. Have a safety word, even if it never gets used. Also agree on a safety gesture, given that occasionally your mouth might be busy. Most importantly, have a conversation. This does not have to be unsexy: talk about your fantasies together. How do they align? How do they not? Tell your partner what fears you might have, what lines you will never cross, and which lines you might like to peek over.
If you are not ready to hear what your partners wants are, or don’t want to accept the rules and limitations they need, you are not ready to have sex. Go home. If you’re just not comfortable with this particular conversation, then maybe power play’s not for you just yet. Go have some good vanilla sexy times.
If you are ready to play with power, you may begin to ask what this mean for your identity or relationship. Kat Van Kirk, a clinical sexologist, reports that approximately half of the population regularly incorporates mild power play into their sex lives, with 7 per cent considering it part of their sexual identity. These bedroom power dynamics are not indicative of relationship dynamics. They can conform, diverge, or the relationship may be one of equity outside of the bedroom.
Choosing to engage in sexual power play does not mean that you are asking to change your day-to-day life with your partner, girlfriend, boyfriend, transfriend, fuckbuddy, or anyone else. It means that you think you and this other person will enjoy interacting in power plays inside a sexy environment.
It has been argued that in power relationships, the submissive party is holding the majority of the “power.” The dominant party is acting to turn the sub on; the sub can turn off the power at any time and can redefine rules and plans to fit their comfort/fantasy. Ideally, of course this is turning everyone on; however, the role of the dom is defined by the sub, and that is a powerful thing.
Power exists in all relationships, whether acknowledged or not. My advice would be to have fun with it in a respectful, consensual way. You could be opened up to dynamics and fantasies you would never explore otherwise.
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