Following this summer’s 2024 Paris Olympic Games, social media users are sharing in which ridiculous events they think they could achieve gold. From chronic online shopping to overthinking, their answers have been making us laugh. But what about the athletes and academic weapons of Dalhousie University? Will their years of training pay off? Here are Dal students’ top five events sure to bring home the gold.
1. Doing the Washington Post online crossword during class
Going to university is about learning as much as you can, exercising your brain and expanding your mind.
That’s why in any given Dalhousie classroom, you will see the student in front of you on their laptop diligently typing the answers to the Washington Post daily crossword. The Tigers have been training for this Olympic event for so long they don’t even get mixed up and type in what their professor is saying anymore. That’s a rookie mistake.
2. Getting lost in the Life Sciences Centre (LSC)
With its labyrinthine hallways, atypical footprint and poorly-labelled “towers,” getting lost in the LSC is a time-honoured tradition for incoming students.
In this event, students have ten minutes to get to their classroom using only the confusingly-abbreviated number printed on their timetable and their dubious sense of direction. Obstacles in this race include packs of slow walkers taking up as much of the hallway as possible, never-ending corridors that seem to curve back around on themselves and the alluring prospect of a Tim Horton’s iced coffee. I have time to wait in that line, right? Surely my classroom can’t be that much farther.
3. Coming in late to class with an iced coffee
Many of Dalhousie’s finest athletes have been training for this event since high school. Since the invention of the debit card, teenagers have been blowing their allowance on iced coffees when they’re already running late for class.
Contenders in this sport are often accused of doing it for attention. When they arrive to class, there are whispers: “We get it, you had to have the coffee. We see it, girl!”
These judgemental classmates fail to realize that this is a very serious sport. For all these years, the behaviour they’ve been mocking has been that of an athlete performing at the top of their game. We should all be so lucky to see such feats of skill.
4. Turning on a movie to “help concentration” while studying
The fiercest of academic weapons know the best way to concentrate on studying is to turn on a movie you’ve already seen 15 times. As background noise, of course! No, it won’t be distracting, I’m choosing one I’ve already seen. That way I won’t be tempted to pay attention to it– yes, it’s my favourite, but that doesn’t mean it’ll distract from my textbooks. Wait– this part is so funny, though. Hang on. Hahaha. This movie is awesome. I love this part. And there go the credits. Man, two great hours of studying; time for a break!
Now that’s a gold medal.
5. Pulling an all-nighter to study for a final
This event is considered to be the most extreme sport on this list. Its high-octane intensity is paralleled only by surfing the Wave on the Halifax boardwalk or taking the trek to Bayer’s Lake to see a movie.
Athletes train all semester in order to gear up for the big final. While their classmates make flashcards and study groups, these high-performing athletes spend their semester ignoring their classwork in order to reach a state of focus so intense the US Marines have been studying them for tips. Instead of doing their readings or attending class, these extraordinary talents “just chill out” and “don’t take life too seriously” in order to clear their minds before the big event. When the night before the exam finally comes, these students spend the entire night awake, appreciating that new textbook smell and trying desperately to remember their Brightspace password in a caffeine-fueled studying frenzy. After all, you know what they say: Cs get degrees.
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