Friday, March 29, 2024
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No, I Don’t Want Your Pamphlet

It was Friday night, it finally felt like fall, and I was off to a late night showing of Scream. I was in such a good mood, strutting down the street like one of those “life is my high!” dancers in Pharrell’s ‘Happy’ video. This was my night.

When I got to Spring Garden Road I heard shouting. I shrugged it off. It was a Friday night, and if you walk anywhere near McDonalds or the Oasis, you’re going to encounter some sloppy sots who are legends in their own drunken minds.

As I got closer to the commotion, I started hearing words like ‘Jesus’, ‘repent’, and ‘salvation’. I rolled my eyes and hurried on towards the theater but in my way was some sketchy-looking little creeper preaching about saving souls. I gritted my teeth and kept going.

As I passed, the would-be apostle screamed in my ear about repenting for my sins while some other nearby neckbeard tried to hand me a pamphlet. I refused and kept going. Unfortunately, the intrusive experience had altered my mood from Pharrell to Rammstein.

There are two things I strongly believe in: sidewalk etiquette and being left the fuck alone. This man had just violated both of those things.

On behalf of people minding their own business everywhere, I’d like to make a big (and almost certainly futile) request of the religious zealots of the world: please cut out the unsolicited proselytizing.

Let me be clear: I have no problem with religion. As long it isn’t hurting anyone, I don’t care what you believe. It’s none of my business. But that is the key – IT-IS-NONE-OF-MY-BUSINESS. Don’t impose it on me.

I’m not particularly religious. I was raised Christian, but I don’t believe in the ‘Good Book.’ I do think having faith can do great things, though. When my Nanny Slade was dying from cancer, her faith got her through the pain. If believing she would soon be with her God soon helped the sweetest woman I’ve ever known, who I loved so much that it felt like I had fractured into small pieces when she died, than I can never say religion is completely worthless.

Just don’t invade my comfort zone with your pamphlets, and definitely don’t scream at me.

I don’t even get the logic behind it. Has this strategy ever worked? Has a screaming lunatic on a sidewalk ever converted anyone? I was a devoted atheist who based my worldview on centuries of rigorously researched scientific facts, but those groundless threats you were screaming about eternal damnation really opened my eyes!

How do you expect to sell a complex, life-altering faith by ranting incoherently at random pedestrians? You couldn’t give away free Playstations with that strategy – people would assume you’d gone all Unabomber and rigged them with explosives or something.

It’s not just the screamers either. I just really hate random people trying to indoctrinate me in their religion.

I don’t care if you’re two well-dressed men walking up to me, your faces earnest and openly friendly. I know your game the minute I see you clutching those pamphlets about your church.

Would I like to take a moment to talk about salvation?

No, I would not. If I wanted to be a part of your religion, you’d know. I would seek you out, attend your services, sign up for your newsletter, or maybe just join ChristianConnection.com. The point is that I would take some positive steps to make it happen.

Are you are trying to sell me on your faith through fear? Telling me I need to repent and I’ll have a place in heaven, that the world is going to hell through sin? Yeah, as a history dork I know people have been preaching this since they developed organized religion. I’ll take my chances thinking for myself rather than be a part of something that peddles fear and teaches me to feel perpetually guilty.

And don’t feed me those lines about how you are only trying to save me – wouldn’t I be just as pushy if I knew someone was condemning themselves to an eternity of fire and brimstone?

Sure I would. But you don’t know that – you believe it. There’s a big difference. If tomorrow, God descends from the heavens and hands you solid, scientifically verifiable evidence that you are following the one true faith, by all means, let me and the rest of humanity know. If, however, your argument is based on a two thousand year old book of fables and an admonition that I just have to have faith, than kindly keep your theories to yourself.

Think about it: your pitch is no more convincing than if I were to interrupt you and warn you to repent while you were chowing down on a Big Mac. After all, the ancient Egyptian Goddess Hathor considered cows sacred, and when she got mad, she transformed into Sekhmet, the lion-headed goddess who once nearly wiped humanity off the face of the earth.

Don’t believe me?

Well, it says so in The Book of The Heavenly Cow, which is around 4000 years old, so you know it has to be true.

Where’s my hard evidence that the book’s ancient authors were writing down divine truths? Have a little faith – or get the fuck out of my face.

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