How are all these people getting together?… When exes are so accessible

One night in May 2024, I was out at Pacifico and, as often happens in Halifax, friend groups began to mix and mingle. One person there was an ex-hookup/situationship — while I’m not sure what we were when we were seeing each other, I am sure he was an ass. 

We hadn’t spoken in eight months, but he was drunk, so that was about to change. He came up to me, and to my shock, began apologizing for everything. 

For two hours, we sat away from the crowd and dissected our entire past. 

At one point, we stepped outside, where another surprise was waiting. Draper — who I broke things off with a few months prior — was at the front of the line. It ended very respectfully, and whenever we ran into each other, we were friendly and often flirty. 

I leaned in to give Draper a hug, promising to find him later. 

The talk with the apologetic ex ended with an invitation to go back to his place, which I refused. I told him my self-respect wouldn’t allow it (though when I ran into him later that summer, my self-respect faltered once or twice). 

After rejecting one ex-hookup’s invitation, I headed to the dance floor to find the other. A few hours of dancing, drinking and innocent flirting later, I received another invitation. But when Draper asked me to come home, I said yes.

Returning to familiar territory seems to be a familiar story in our generation. How can we start over with someone new when exes are so accessible?

Cellphones mean that old connections are never more than a quick text away. Our devices hold hundreds of memory-inducing photos, old texts and saved contacts — even if the name was changed to a pseudonym like “never again,” “you’d be an idiot,” or my personal favourite, the gravestone emoji.

Social media makes it too easy to keep tabs on people post-breakup. Even if you’re not purposely searching someone up, posts and stories pop up like Jack-in-the-box reminders. 

Halifax presents its own unique challenges. It’s laughable how common it is to run into your exes downtown, at the Atlantic Superstore or even at a house party you thought was safe, only to discover the host is a mutual friend. 

These conditions are a gateway for some eventual backsliding, but going through with it is on us. If we ended things once, why go back?

“Sometimes it’s just boredom,” said my friend Kali. She broke up with her ex, but went through a situationship stage with him after. 

“I think it’s easy to say someone doesn’t have self-respect, but it can be for so many reasons. It’s comfortable, there’s a shared familiarity and sometimes you just get bored and lonely.”

When someone gets back together with an ex, my first thought is never that they have no self-respect. It can be hard to resist the strong pull you have to someone. 

Comfort and familiarity are powerful attractors. It can be nerve-wracking to start fresh and go on first dates. Hooking up with someone for the first time also takes an enormous amount of vulnerability and trust. 

Plus, backsliding means you can skip the tedious get-to-know-yous. You already know an ex’s major, childhood pets, hopes and insecurities. And they know yours. It’s like having an emotional fast-pass to a rollercoaster. 

But you should carefully consider getting on that rollercoaster again.

Breakups happen for a reason. If it was about distance, busyness or external circumstances, why not give it another go if you’re in a better place? But if it was about disrespect, toxic behaviour or cheating, be cautious before strapping back in for the ride. 

But people aren’t perfect, and memories fade. Reasons for breaking things off can get muddled in people’s minds. Breaking up can force you to take a step back and see a toxic situation for what it was, or make you filter everything through rose-tinted nostalgic glasses. While reminiscing, it’s easy to forget the bad times and problems. Especially if you’re no longer around someone enough for those problems to resurface and become painfully obvious. 

That’s what I did with Draper.

I broke things off with him because I wanted more than hooking up, and he didn’t. But since then, I missed hanging out with him. After a few disappointing talking stages that weren’t as fun as my times with him, I was willing to backslide.

We started going on dates, cooking dinners and regularly staying at his — doing more together and attempting to prioritize each other. It was what I wanted before we broke up the first time.  

But, he still said he wasn’t looking for exclusivity or a relationship. Eventually, our different desires caught up to us. When things ended this time around, it wasn’t as respectful as before. 

Now, I sometimes wonder if that backslide should be a regret. 

It left me with more pain, questions and feelings of betrayal than before. But it also was the closest thing I’ve ever had to a relationship. In a strange way, I gained more self-respect. I now know what I don’t want in a relationship and what I deserve. I’m also quicker at standing up for myself and ending similar situations.

Depending on how a relationship ended and why you want to start up again, backsliding can either lead to emotional satisfaction or emotional turmoil. In time, it can also be a learning experience that helps us grow.

If you both want the same thing and respect one another, go for it. 

Second chances exist for a reason. Just maybe don’t give someone a third, fourth or fifth.