How are all these people getting together? … When sex is no longer intimate

I’m Hannah, and if you told me a month ago that I’d be writing a dating column, I would’ve laughed in your face. My dating life has been less than ideal. I’ve had messy hookups, year-long situationships and my fair share of crash-outs. The one thing I haven’t experienced is a healthy, committed relationship — but who wants to read about that anyway? Join me as I attempt to answer the ultimate question, “How are all these people getting together?”

One morning last September, I was on my way to this guy’s apartment. We were six months deep in a casual, non-exclusive entanglement — one of those undefinable situationships. 

It eventually ended after almost a year in that hazy, grey area. I can’t use names for obvious reasons, but he now reminds me of the morally ambiguous Don Draper from Mad Men, so we’ll go with that.  

When I got to Draper’s apartment, we hooked up right away — like we always did. Afterwards, we got dressed and headed to the café down the street, looking to satisfy our cravings for iced coffees and sandwiches. 

As we walked, a sudden urge came over me to do something bold — something we’d only done in private or while drunk on the way back to his place.

I wanted to hold his hand.

Walking side-by-side, mid-conversation, I reached for his hand. He held mine back, and I was elated.

But it was short-lived. A second later, he dropped my hand to briefly check his phone, then let his hand fall to his side. My heart dropped, and I was confused. We’d just hooked up, but somehow holding my hand was too much.

In a generation where hooking up comes before hand-holding, what even is modern day intimacy? 

When society cared more about euphemism and subtlety, “being intimate” was a common way to describe having sex. There are still many ways to say “we had sex” without saying it. Popular variations like “hooking up,” “fucking” or the newest phrase sweeping social media, “getting cracked,” suggest sex is meaningless and connection is unnecessary. 

The actual intimacy once associated with sex seems to no longer be a requirement.

Later that day, at my old serving job, I told my co-worker, Alexis, about my ill-fated attempt. 

Alexis was a commitment-phobe with a relaxed view about dating. She said my hand grab was a serious step. Sex is one thing — it happens, you get dressed and move on. The little gestures are where real intimacy begins. Walking down the street holding hands is taking those gestures public. It puts the unspoken link between you on display. 

For the rest of my shift, between taking orders and pouring pints, I couldn’t stop wondering if I made an error in judgment — if my little hand gesture would be the catalyst for another “We need to talk” text.

But it still didn’t feel right. After six months of movie nights, dates and regular sleepovers, I shouldn’t have felt anxious over hand-holding, even if our relationship was casual. The way he reacted was disappointing and confusing, considering everything else we were doing. 

“Yeah, that’s one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever heard,” my friend Lorelei said.

Lorelei is no-drama and no-nonsense. If a guy shows signs of wavering, she’s quick to nip it in the bud and declare he isn’t the one for her. She’s one of the dwindling few who wouldn’t entertain the idea of a situationship. 

She might’ve understood if Draper and I had only hung out a few times, but this was different. To her, it always seemed like we were pseudo-dating, and said the fact that he was drawing the line at hand-holding was insane.

“None of it really makes sense to me,” she said. 

Me neither. 

But that’s the thing, how people define intimacy can make complete sense to one person and sound like utter nonsense to another. For some, sex is a starting point, and real intimacy develops later. For the endangered hopeless romantics of our generation, sex and connection are one and the same. When sex happens, there’s something special between you and the other person —  the truest form of intimacy. 

My ideal lies somewhere in the middle. I don’t find sex meaningless, and I easily form attachments through it. It affects emotions and can instantly alter relationships. But I realized that I love the little things too — hugging in his kitchen, tousling each other’s hair, quick pecks in passing. I remember those moments vividly. 

Maybe all we can do is develop our own definition of intimacy and communicate that. It might save us some awkward moments. 

Draper and I never talked about it, although I can guess what he would’ve said: he didn’t want that type of connection. If your partner and you aren’t on the same page, don’t worry — you’ll find someone who wants to walk down a street with you, sharing those little intimacies, hand-in-hand.