Oxford University defines limerence as “the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.”
An important addition here is that the sometimes intrusive thoughts associated with limerence often continue past the point of realization that romantic feelings are not reciprocated. So what do we do about this? How do we alter this urge to be inside someone’s skin who may not even know we exist, let alone reciprocate our feelings, toward a version of love that doesn’t distract us from ourselves and what we deserve romantically?
To get a semblance of an answer, we must first try to understand why so many of us experience limerence, especially today. Then, in considering how it manifests, I’ll give you my take on how to rewire yourself to seek out healthier love.
For all I know, this phenomenon could very well be intergenerational, but my gut tells me that limerence has been exacerbated by the age of the internet and social media.
As a member of the cohort that completely missed the transition from middle to high school in the pandemic, many of my blurry memories from that era revolve around TikTok trends and dances, 24-long FaceTime calls and receiving millions of virtual “waves” from my middle school friends to join a group video call on the app Houseparty. I am no expert on why Grade 9 is an important time for in-person socialization, but I imagine it helps you discover new kinds of people you gravitate towards. But what does this have to do with limerence?
My theory is that in the past five years, there has been a dramatic shift in location for the cultivation of young teenagers’ social lives. The reality is, it’s safer to exist behind a screen. As much as we can boast about the resurgence of “casual Instagram,” there is no risk in putting yourself out there in the form of a curated social media post. I don’t care how casual or unedited your content is. If you feel okay posting something, you are not experiencing the fear associated with socialization. And putting yourself out there romantically is the biggest risk of them all! So if real relationships are too scary and vulnerability is increasingly easier to resist, we still need some kind of outlet for that desire in us to connect as inherently social animals. Cue limerence, and obsessing over the idea of someone caring about us. It’s really quite sad when you think about it.
So how can you tell if you are experiencing limerence, and more importantly, how can you shake it?
For my fellow journalers, I am going to share a sign of limerence that is easily identifiable in your writing.
I have been an avid diary owner since before I could form proper sentences. My diaries have always been a safe space for me to explore a feeling, without necessarily having a name for it. For that reason, I find the act of journaling very meditative. But because my diary functions as an unbiased best friend who keeps her mouth shut while I pour out my secrets, sometimes I find myself confiding in her as if she is the person I am writing about. Think about this like how you sometimes role-play conversations with a close friend before you have them, or write letters to people and never send them.
In reading my diaries retrospectively, I noticed a particular pattern in when I would shift between second and third-person pronouns which lends itself to this conversation. When I’ve been unhealthily obsessed with someone romantically, I address them as “you” in my diaries. I’ve only shifted to a third-person pronoun when that person has been successfully cut off from my life, or we have entered a healthy relationship, and the elusive quality about them has faded. I find this fascinating, and perhaps an interesting commentary on how we centre people in our lives, or more strikingly, how we decentre ourselves. Maybe that’s the key. If you really are obsessing over people, particularly through screens, as a protective mechanism, there’s likely some inner turmoil going on you may want to address. Ironically, a quote I found on the internet a while ago reminds me, you are happening to the world. Look inwards.
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