That three letter word: The sex inside your head

Close your eyes and fantasize (Photo by Bryn Karcha)

Sweeping generalization: most people think about sex at least some of the time. (Those half-a-dozen people in front of you in line for coffee? Pretty sure at least one of them has sex on the brain.) If and when people think about sex, this can consist of almost anything—the awesome sack-session they had last night, how much they want to give their partner oral later, which Hollywood celeb they’d immediately strip for—whatever. While most of it generally comprises of fantasizing, not every sexual thought is necessarily a fantasy.

So what is a fantasy? Anything and everything you could possibly imagine. If thinking about it makes you want to touch yourself (or someone else), sounds like you’re doing just fine. What’s the difference between a fantasy and a fetish, you ask? Well, I might like thinking about swapping partners and watching the action happen, but stick me in the situation, and I’m not so sure I’d enjoy it. And there lies the difference—a fetish is something you get off on doing or experiencing. A fantasy, on the other hand, need never leave the comfort of your own imagination.

Of course, bringing a fantasy to life can be really exciting. I’m lucky—my current partner is extremely GGG (Good, Giving and Game—thanks, Dan Savage), and our lines of communication are wide open. I know I could come to him with almost anything, and even if it wasn’t something that particularly got his rocks off, he’d probably be willing to do it for me. He’d also let me know if he really didn’t want to do something, and that’s pretty awesome, too.

For most people, approaching their partner is only possible after one becomes comfortable with their fantasies themselves—something that’s super important, in my opinion. After all, when it comes to sex, I don’t think anyone can really know you until you know yourself.  But even once that hurdle’s been jumped over, telling your partner about your fantasies can still be intimidating—some people are married for years before they feel comfortable sharing such personal thoughts. If it’s something you really want to do but are nervous about it, tell your partner just that. Anyone worth your time should be open, understanding and non-judgemental. Especially important is letting your partner know whether your fantasy is something you want to happen, or something you’re happy just thinking about.

Even if you and your partner have decided you want to make a fantasy reality, there should be no rush. Some fantasies could happen right away, while others could take time to warm up to and play out. Some fantasies will require a safe-word, others still might require physical props—whatever flips your cup.

As with everything, it’s important to stay in-tune with your partner. If it gets down to it and someone realizes, this should stay between their ears(and this isn’t uncommon), take a break and re-evaluate.