By Niko Bell, The Sex Collective
The Chinese approach to sexuality is largely unenviable. The rapidly developing nation has found itself in a frightening gap: traditional systems of marriage and family are falling apart, but safe and sane alternatives are slow to pick up the slack. Sex before marriage is still publicly unacceptable in China, but marriage age is rising and young couples are having sex anyway. Young people receive little to no guidance from their parents or schools, and the taboo is strong enough that even friends avoid the subject. Even if Chinese teenagers had enough time away from their crushing school workloads for sleepovers, the topic of sex would likely never come up.
A recent study by the national family planning commission discovered that nearly half of sexually active Chinese women prefer the morning after pill to other methods of birth control. The Emergency Contraceptive pill, available over the counter in China, is not intended as a method of contraception and can cause serious harm to reproductive health if misused. Ninety five per cent of respondents also said that they had used a “feminine wash,” many for the purpose of preventing sexually transmitted infections. Not only is douching completely ineffective, it is also detrimental to general health.
Before marshalling too much enlightened pity, however, it is good to remember that the Chinese world has also got a lot right. There are many aspects to relationship-building where we would do well to learn from the Chinese and their careful, romantic pragmatism. The following are a few worthwhile cultural imports.
Date with care and discrimination
The Chinese typically date with the goal of marriage, and so are unlikely to waste time on a painful or unfulfilling relationship. The dating process is seen as a slow, careful vetting process for a future partner, and dating for upwards of five years before marriage or children is seen as a virtue. Most importantly, falling in love is often seen as a process, not an instantaneous emotion. In fact, the Chinese concepts of “dating” and “falling in love” are indistinguishable, both encompassed by the enigmatic phrase “talking about love.”
In the tragic Chinese folk tale commonly seen as the oriental equivalent to Romeo and Juliet, the more sensible Zhu Yingtai takes three years to gradually fall in love with her star-crossed lover, not one night.
Unfortunately, growing pressure to have sex combined with resistance to sex before marriage, along with other factors, is pushing dating time in China down and divorce rates up. In Canada, however, we can take advantage of comparatively low pressures for marriage to take it slow and make sure we like where we are going.
Boys can be pretty, too
A sharp looking Chinese guy is not complete without his fedora, layered and styled hairdo, argyle vest, neon windbreaker, sequinned jeans, and knock-off Sketchers. Young Chinese men often take fashion as seriously as women, and have real fun expressing individual style. Men’s clothing is also refreshingly free of stereotype. China’s current king of hip-hop, for instance, regularly appears wearing anything from sweater vests to sparkly pink muscle shirts without losing his cool or manliness. When Canadian men can do the same, this will be a freer and flashier country.
Compliments are okay
Canadians often shy away from talking directly about physical attractiveness, hiding behind the cliché that “what matters is on the inside.” While what should matter is up for debate, the Chinese openly recognize that mutual physical attraction is an important part of a relationship.
In China it is not uncommon to directly tell someone you think he or she is good looking, as long as you have been introduced and are in a casual setting. Some westerners, especially women, find this creepy. In Chinese circles, however, it clears the air and lets everyone know much more clearly who is into whom. More importantly, giving compliments on a regular basis makes people feel good, fights body image problems, and keeps ties of friendship close.
End the war of the sexes
Pressure to date is very low in Chinese high schools, where most energy goes into studying. While Chinese teenagers may not get the advance practice that some Canadians do, they do have many more years to build friendships free of unnecessary sexual tension. Teenagers often hang out in groups of mixed gender, and have close friends of the opposite sex without any romantic undercurrents. This sets the stage for positive cross-gender friendships later in life, as well as romantic relationships based on friendship, not just attraction.
It takes a family to raise a baby
Although slightly outside the realm of the romantic relationship, it would be amiss if I did not mention the involvement of the whole extended family in raising Chinese children. Chinese parents are not expected to become complete caregivers in a vacuum. They usually receive the strong support of their parents, who participate in caring for the baby and easing the middle generation into parenthood.
In the era of the one-child generation, this sometimes leads to the infamous “four-two-one syndrome:” four grandparents and two parents piling their love, pressure and expectations on one little head. With the gradual easing of the policy, however, grandparent support will hopefully return to being an unconditionally positive aspect of the Chinese family.
The Chinese have been hooking up since, as their saying goes, a time when the rest of us didn’t know which trees to pick fruit from. So, let’s take a route of respect instead of riding the pity train. Who knows? Our romantic lives might just flourish like a plum blossom in spring.
Niko Bell is a bachelor of journalism honours student at the University of King’s College. He is currently spending an academic year at Nanjing University after placing in the finals of the prestigious international Chinese speaking competition “Han yu qiao” (Chinese Bridge).
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