Your High School Relationship Is Over

Photo by Jasspreet Sahib

On behalf of the Gazette staff, I’d like to extend our deepest condolences regarding the end of your high school relationship. I’m sorry things didn’t work out. ‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Tomorrow is another day. All dogs go to heaven. You get the picture.

Sadly, I know some of you are assuming that I must be talking to the OTHER freshmen, because you and your partner have committed to a long-distance relationship.

If only life were so simple.

According to a 2006 Harris Interactive survey, only fourteen per cent of interviewed couples in active relationships reported meeting each other through “school.” This already discouraging percentage also includes the large number of couples who met in university, as well as those who met in high school and settled down immediately after graduation. Given these stats, it’s safe to say that by the time 2018 rolls around, you’ll have a better chance of scoring on the ice with Team Canada at the Olympics than in the sack with your high school sweetheart.

Deny it all you want. Continue to skip all the parties, board game nights and bad movie marathons to which your new friends keep inviting you—heaven forbid you miss one of the increasingly awkward nightly Skype conversations with your long-distance lover. After all, nothing screams “satisfying relationship” quite like incessantly pining over how awesome things used to be and half-heartedly discussing how great they will be when you finally reunite in 2019. (That’s assuming you are able to find jobs in the same city after graduation.)

Do yourself a favour and Google “Turkey Drop”. Skim through a few articles. Take a moment to consider the fact that your relationship will be a statistical outlier if you make it past Thanksgiving.

Is squeezing an extra month and a half out of a relationship that died back in June really worth throwing a wet blanket over Orientation Week, Dalfest, and the whole whirlwind first quarter of what may end up being the most exciting, transformative year of your life?

Not to influence your decision or anything, but I’ve heard that 2,500 new singles just arrived on campus.

No time to mope—go get ‘em, tiger.