How are all these people getting together? … When we’re supposed to be just friends

Can heterosexual women and men truly be just friends? No crushes on either side? Zero chance of even a drunken hookup?

In August, I ran into a guy friend who just got back to Halifax from summer break. We’d always flirted a little, but nothing had ever happened between us. That day, though, we hung out all afternoon and made plans to hit downtown that weekend. 

That Friday night ended with me back at his place. 

Sounds like the perfect scenario for starting something, right? Someone you get along with, is easy to talk to and who you’re already comfortable around, becoming more than just a friend.

Not this time.

What immediately followed (literally the next morning) was the start of one of the most repercussive hookups I’ve ever experienced.

Hooking up with friends can always lead to messy situations, but some people are increasingly comfortable diving in headfirst.

How are all these people getting together when we’re supposed to be just friends?

In Halifax, everyone knows everyone. Striking up a conversation with a stranger could, and often does, lead to the discovery of mutual friends. This city’s inhabitants could genuinely be mapped out on a bulletin board with red string connecting all the dots.

This inevitably leads to the formation of large, intermingling friend groups, and things are bound to get complicated.

Sixty per cent of undergrads aged 18 to 40 have participated in a friends with benefits relationship at least once, according to a 2007 study from Wayne State and Michigan State Universities.

Chantal Heide, a Canadian dating coach, highlighted the upsides of a friends with benefits relationship in an interview with Global News. She said they offer a break between serious relationships while still satisfying sex drives. They also don’t involve the same stresses of serious relationships, such as time and money commitments.

The Dalhousie Gazette’s Dal Purity Test found that 29 per cent of respondents have hooked up with two or more people in the same friend group. 

But when hookups happen between friends, especially within friend groups, it’s not just about the sex. They’re dynamic-shifting events.

The morning after my hookup, I was asked to keep it a secret. Confused as to why, I phoned one of my closest friends. She told me he confessed his feelings for her a few months before. 

Suddenly, the whole atmosphere of the friend group changed. 

Hurtful words were exchanged. Nights out that were once effortless and fun became awkward and guarded. Everyone was watching each other, waiting for the inevitable final blow.

As my experience and 2000s romantic comedies will tell you, friends with benefits relationships can become chaotic. 

So, is it a bad idea? Or, are friends with benefits situations sometimes inevitable?

Some stats indicate inevitability. A University of Wisconsin-Eau Claire study examined 88 pairs of undergraduate opposite-sex friends and found signs indicating that being “just friends” is harder than it seems. Especially for men. 

Men were more likely to be attracted to their female friends than vice versa and more likely to think their friends were also attracted to them, even when that wasn’t the case. Men are also less likely to care about the relationship status of their female friends. Single or not — it’s all fair game. 

I do think straight men and women can be just friends, but it can be difficult and complex. A majority seemingly have a sub-surface feeling of “What if?” That feeling could either stay dormant and drama-free or open an unknown door if acted on

I wish I’d left that “What if” unexplored. People’s feelings were hurt, a friendship of three years ended, and a friend group fell apart. 

But friends becoming something more can also lead to something amazing. Some believe the best relationships form from friendships and that your partner should feel like a best friend anyway.

I’ve also known people who had no qualms with being friends with benefits and were happy going back to just friends again — no rippling fallout.

It’s all about whether you’re willing to take the risk. Especially if you’re both part of a friend group that will be affected.

You decide whether you’re content with the existing benefits that come with friendship — or if you’re craving just one more.