Is your sneaky link getting a little too close for comfort? Ask him out! Oh, you don’t want to? I can get behind reasoning like, “I’m just not ready.” “He’s just a friend.” “He’s literally a gnome, I can’t be with him in public.” But, hear me out. With a bit of extra cash and some creativity, you can get the same message across without the whole “I don’t want to be with you, leave me alone” conversation.
The goal is not to ruin your man’s life. Just make him wake up with a taste of ick in his mouth everyday until he calls it quits. It’ll only take 10 days.
Day 1: Study date in the Killam
It’s called Killam depression for a reason, folks. Lure him in with the idea of a study date. What could go wrong? That is, until he follows you into the Killam Memorial Library up four flights of stairs and deep into the stacks. All those late night links with your man will take a beating on your grades, it’s time for an academic comeback!
Day 2: Dinner date at Jubilee Junction
No pregame, six o’clock. Just two comically large slices of pizza. Garlic sauce is mandatory. If the Jubilee Junction security guard doesn’t call the cops or kick you both out, then it doesn’t count. Maybe throw in a napkin with “HELP ME” scribbled in red ink when you go to pay. Be creative with this one, the role-play is what makes it interesting.
Day 3: Chat with the bassist at Gin & Jazz
He may look boring on stage, and rest assured he is even more boring to talk to. Make sure to start a conversation during the intermission about keeping time. The band may never start the second set. Meanwhile, your man will sit there dumbfounded, double fisting his gin and yours.
Day 4: Swim in the Halifax harbour
I’m curious what the French would think about the Halifax harbour. I mean, they say the Seine River is “clean” now. I wonder if the mayor of Paris would swim in the Halifax harbour too? Unfortunately, taking your man to swim in France is out of the budget and giving engagement vibes. No need to fear, a dip in the Halifax harbour would send your immune system into the trenches just as fast!
Day 7: Dalhousie Taylor Swift Society date
I think a room of more than four Swifties has the ability to crush a man’s ego to dust. Some would argue one would be enough. Bring him to a Dalhousie Taylor Swift Society event, and make sure to remember his reaction when he’s met by 30-plus diehard Swifties listening to songs about men who did Taylor dirty. Careful folks, this one is pretty powerful.
Day 6: Invite his bro
I absolutely love the bromance phenomenon that plagues our generation. Your man could be in a bar full of 10s but he will be eye-fucking his bro and flirting with him the entire night. They just can’t help themselves. Next time you go out to the bars, message his bro. The two of them will be on second base before you can say “bros before foes.”
Day 7: The elusive keg
If you’re a freshman and you haven’t heard of the elusive kegs floating around residence, you need to get your head out of the sand. 90 per cent of the time there’s never a keg, but it sure is hilarious watching 12 dudes running around Fountain House trying to sniff it out. Mention the elusive keg, and if he really is the man you hooked up with, he will go running just to lick the salt off it.
Day 8: Lose them at Boomers
Hide-and-seek at Boomers should be an Olympic sport. If you and your friends have ever dove into the crowd and didn’t end up needing to file an Amber Alert the next morning, consider yourselves some of the lucky ones.
Day 9: Football game with SMU jersey
Next football game at Wickwire Field, show up wearing the rival team’s jersey. Saint Mary’s University is a great choice for this one. Everyone at Dal knows how inferior they are to us. Not only will this turn your man off, but he might get a few swings at him in the process.
Day 10: Date night at a frat
This one is definitely a last resort because, yikes. Maybe you’ll get lucky and he’ll trip over beer cans on his way up the stairs, or maybe just say you’ll meet there and never show up. After all the ick you’ve dumped into this poor man’s life, he is sure to leave. And if he sticks around after all that, maybe you’ve found true love, or he’s Matthew McConaughey. Note that I will not be taking complaints or refunds for any unbroken hearts. Go get ’em Tigers!
Recent Comments